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If a person is given a choice between life without work and working a lot, he would prefer to have a life without work. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

If a person is given a choice between life without work and working a lot, he would prefer to have a life without work. v. 2
It is believed that some people would opt for a life without work instead of working intensively, in case they had to choose between the two. In my opinion, although I think that a life without work appears an appealing idea, it can satisfy the human being only for a certain period. First of all, it is commonly known that a person spends virtually a lifetime at work. He or she works countless hours in order to earn a salary high enough so that they can afford to pay for the living expenses, the essential needs and other things that bring joy in their lives. Therefore, a person is dependent on money for most of their lives. If one stops working, he or she is likely to run out of financial resources in a couple of months and, consequently, this might negatively affect their state of mind. Furthermore, people constantly need activities to entertain them. A job frequently instills a sense of competition into employees' mindsets. Most people partly enjoy receiving laborious tasks because they are keen on getting promoted to a highly regarded and better-paid position at some point in time. A person has to benefit from an environment where they can show and enrich their knowledge, their skills and abilities, in other words he or she seeks reassurance that his or her work is valuable. To conclude, I strongly believe that taking into account both the advantages and drawbacks of working, it is worth spending a great part of the life at work, rather than staying jobless. I think that people would be overall more content with a life including an amount of time dedicated to working.
It
is believed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would opt for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
intensively
, in case they had to choose between the two. In my opinion, although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
appears an appealing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, it can satisfy the human being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for a certain period.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
commonly
known that a person spends
virtually
a lifetime at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. He or she works countless hours in order to earn a salary high
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can afford to pay for the living expenses, the essential needs and other things that bring joy in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Therefore
, a person is dependent on money for most of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. If one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, he or she is likely to run out of financial resources in a couple of months and,
consequently
, this might
negatively
affect their state of mind.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
constantly
need activities to entertain them. A job
frequently
instills a sense of competition into
Possible spelling mistake found.
employees&
#039; mindsets. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
partly enjoy receiving laborious tasks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are keen on getting promoted to a
highly
regarded and better-paid position at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point in time. A person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
benefit from an environment where they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
and enrich their knowledge, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities,
in other words
he or she seeks reassurance that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is valuable.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that taking into account both the advantages and drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, it is worth spending a great part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
rather
than staying jobless. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be
overall
more content with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
including an amount of time dedicated to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay If a person is given a choice between life without work and working a lot, he would prefer to have a life without work. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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