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IELTS essay about government taking measures to improve people’s health

IELTS essay about government taking measures to improve people’s health pXmXy

Many people believe that government is in charge of enacting measures to promote healthy of people. While others think that living a healthy is a personal decision. Both points of view will be discussed in this essay as well as my personal perspective The government plays a major role in promoting a healthy lifestyle and has to develop more programs on television, radio or even in newspapers that convey appropriate and accurate health information. Additionally, they should have more initiatives and implement strict policies when it comes to activities that affect people healthy. For example, prohibiting smoking in public areas will benefit not only smokers but also non-smokers and rises up the price of tobacco to reduce users. Furthermore, the government has the authority to impose tax on junk food and other unhealthy behaviors. I also believe that encouraging people to participate in sports or exercise on a regular basis should be promoted.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:a plethora ofa number ofnumerous
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it withcrowdfamilycommunitynationsocietypublic
people
 believe that This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :national authoritypublic authority
government
 is in charge of enacting measures to promote You use this word too often, consider replacing it withvigoroustoughnormalathletichealthfulhearty
healthy
 of You use this word too often, consider replacing it withcrowdfamilycommunitynationsocietypublic
people
. “While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
 others This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :reckonassumebelieveconsider
think
 that living a You use this word too often, consider replacing it withvigoroustoughnormalathletichealthfulhearty
healthy
 is a personal decision. Both points of view will be discussed
 in this essay Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.and
as well as
 my personal perspective

The This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :national authoritypublic authority
government
 plays a major role in promoting a You use this word too often, consider replacing it withvigoroustoughnormalathletichealthfulhearty
healthy
 lifestyle and This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:oughts to
has to
 develop more programs on television, radio or even in newspapers that convey appropriate and accurate health information. Additionally
, they should have more initiatives and implement strict policies when it This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :approachesarrives
comes
 to activities that affect You use this word too often, consider replacing it withcrowdfamilycommunitynationsocietypublic
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it withvigoroustoughnormalathletichealthfulhearty
healthy
. For example
, prohibiting smoking in public areas will benefit not This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :exclusively
only
 smokers This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:on the contrary
but
also
 non-smokers and rises up the price of tobacco to This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :alleviate
reduce
 users. Furthermore
, the This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :national authoritypublic authority
government
 has the authority to impose tax on junk food and other unhealthy behaviors. I also
 believe that encouraging You use this word too often, consider replacing it withcrowdfamilycommunitynationsocietypublic
people
 to participate in sports or exercise on a regular basis should be promoted
. 