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I am at work the whole day but my child... Write an essay in this topic. Write at least 250 words.

I am at work the whole day but my child. . . Write an essay in this topic. 5Bj5B
Nowadays, majority of parents are busy with work from sunrise till sunset during a day. Their children may not be in control and this may affect the teenagers' behaviour. In this essay below, I am going to discuss this situation. To start with, we are living in consumers' society so living without working is impossible today. The costs of things are extremely high while the salary people earn may be too low. Consequently, they may decide to take extra work up. For I work in two places in the same time to get more money. I want to purchase all things children need. However, there are two sides of a coin. While I am at work, I am losing many moments that we can spend with my children. Moreover I do not know how my children spend their time during a day. Who are their friends? What are they feeling now? I come back home being so tired children that I can not ask my children about their finished day, their school and lessons. In bringing up children, women are in the first role. Children learn most of things from their mother rather than their father or other relatives. If a mother is at work during a day, there may be lack of love and kindness of a mother. This is a big problem, whereas there may be a good solution to it. Women should work in their own houses. Today there are variety of jobs which people can work without going to a certain place. For example, most of computer programmers work in their own flats. Then they can be with their children as well as earning money. In conclusion, in this expensive life, parents have to work. Nevertheless, they should keep their children in control
Nowadays,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
parents are busy with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from sunrise till sunset during a day. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may not be in control and this may affect the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
'
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. In this essay below, I am going to discuss this situation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, we are living in consumers' society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
living without working is impossible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. The costs of things are
extremely
high while the salary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
earn may be too low.
Consequently
, they may decide to take extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
up. For I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in two places in the same time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more money. I want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
all things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need.
However
, there are two sides of a coin. While I am at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, I am losing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
moments that we can spend with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
I do not know how my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their time during a day. Who are their friends? What are they feeling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
? I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back home being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
tired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that I can not ask my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about their finished day, their school and lessons.

In bringing up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, women are in the
first
role.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
learn
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the things") or simply say "most things".
most of things
from their mother
rather
than their father or other relatives. If a mother is at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
during a day, there may be lack of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and kindness of a mother. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problem, whereas there may be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
solution to it. Women should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
there are variety of jobs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without going to a certain place.
For example
,
Consider using "most computer" or "most of the computer".
most of computer
programmers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
flats. Then they can be with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as earning money.

In conclusion
, in this expensive life, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Nevertheless
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in control
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IELTS essay I am at work the whole day but my child. . . Write an essay in this topic.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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