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Human beings are being judged according to their social status and material possession. Old fashioned values such as kindness and trust seem no longer important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Human beings are being judged according to their social status and material possession. Old fashioned values such as kindness and trust seem no longer important. 1XXX
Nowadays, the majority of people are assessed based on their appearances such as financial status and their position in societies, rather than personalities. Many believe that in such a materialistic world, traditional values are not as important as social status and wealth. One underlying reason why I believe a person’s value is being judged by her/his appearance including outfit and job is, in today's world more and more people have become money-oriented. Statistics show in Iran the marriage age, as a result of couples high expectations towards each other, is over 30. It means that some individuals feel happiness in material possessions e. g. , an exotic car, a luxury house and having a high-paying job and family social status, and they believe these are by far more important than kindness and trust. Consequently, it has been observed that the number of people who judge others according to their wealth and financial backgrounds is increasing. Another point to consider is that technology development has caused a large number of people are influenced by the latest social networks. One obvious example is the use of applications such as Facebook and Instagram in which a wide range of people share their photos, videos, etc. in order to look rich; this group of people display tendency to be assessed as a person with high status in their society. As a result, by growing technology and virtual life, many people evaluate their friends only by what they see in their photos. To sum up, it is an undeniable fact that in materialistic world money plays a substantial role in each individual’s life and a lot of people judge others based on financial and social position, but I totally disagree with this view point, as I believe the only thing will remain is kindness which should never be overlooked.
Nowadays, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are assessed
based on their appearances such as financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
and their position in societies,
rather
than personalities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that in such a materialistic world, traditional values are not as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
and wealth.

One underlying reason why I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
a person’s value is
being judged
by her/his appearance including outfit and job is, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become money-oriented. Statistics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
in Iran the marriage age,
as a result
of couples high expectations towards each other, is over 30. It means that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals feel happiness in material possessions
There should be no space here: "e.g.".
e. g.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
an exotic car, a luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and having a high-paying job and family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
, and they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
these are by far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than kindness and trust.
Consequently
, it has
been observed
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who judge others according to their wealth and financial backgrounds is increasing.

Another point to consider is that technology development has caused
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are influenced
by the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networks. One obvious example is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of applications such as Facebook and Instagram in which a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
share their photos, videos, etc. in order to look rich; this group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
display tendency to
be assessed
as a person with high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
status
in their society.
As a result
, by growing technology and virtual life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
evaluate their friends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in their photos.

To sum up, it is an undeniable fact that in materialistic world money plays a substantial role in each individual’s life and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
judge others based on financial and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
position,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
totally
disagree with this view point, as I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing will remain is kindness which should never
be overlooked
.
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IELTS essay Human beings are being judged according to their social status and material possession. Old fashioned values such as kindness and trust seem no longer important.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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