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How can early access to technology affect the development of children?

How can early access to technology affect the development of children? LrbPp
The evolution of technology plays an essential role in our society. Besides having positive impacts, technology exerts a number of negative influences on people, especially children. Impacting on physical health and approaching to bad contents are the results of children’s early access to technology. The first negative effect is weakening children’s physical health become weak. When children use technology, the high-energy visible light which releases from the screen is harmful to their eyes. Children always keep their eyes closed and utilize technology for a long period, which makes them susceptible to short-sightedness. In addition, the light from the screen also affects the condition of skin and may cause premature aging in fact. According to a research, in Vietnam, the rate of short-sightedness among children is about 20-60% depending on age, in which it is estimated that nearly 3 million children aged 0-15 years suffer from refractive errors because of excessive use of smartphone or television. Thus, technology is weakening their physical health including their eyes.
The evolution of
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technology
plays an essential role in our society.
Besides
having
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positive
impacts,
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technology
exerts a number of
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negative
influences on
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people
,
especially
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children
. Impacting on physical health and approaching to
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bad
contents are the results of
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children’s
early access to technology.

The
first
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negative
effect is weakening
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children’s
physical health become weak. When
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children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
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technology
, the high-energy visible light which releases from the screen is harmful to their eyes.
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Children
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their eyes closed and utilize
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technology
for a long period, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them susceptible to
Possible spelling mistake found.
short-sightedness
.
In addition
, the light from the screen
also
affects the condition of skin and may cause premature aging in fact. According to a research, in Vietnam, the rate of
Possible spelling mistake found.
short-sightedness
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is about 20-60% depending on age, in which it
is estimated
that
nearly
3 million
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children
aged 0-15 years suffer from refractive errors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smartphone or television.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is weakening their physical health including their eyes.
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IELTS essay How can early access to technology affect the development of children?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
165 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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