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Having too many old people, is it right for the society to take care of them and what can we do to reduce the number.

Having too many old people, is it right for the society to take care of them and what can we do to reduce the number. GMLRg
'There is no doubt that a healthy nation is a wealthy nation' so to say. Older people are ubiquitous nowadays and I believe that with communal effort, they can be well taken care of. In addition to discussing the forms that the society can care for this aged group, measures to mitigate the number of vulnerable will be elucidated in this essay. First of all, one of the strategies to ensure that the society has the number of aged people in check is to provide health insurance policies. Ensuring a standard health care system will go a long way in promoting longevity, such as, free consultation by a geriatricians, free meals while on hospital admission, access to prescribed drugs since most of them are prone to chronic diseases; like hypertension, rheumatoid arthritis, insomnia, amnesia and many more. In addition, enhancing quality medical care won't just prolong life but also reduce the aging process. Furthermore, the government should make certain that pensionable staff are paid as when due without delay while incentives are made available for all the vulnerable. In some developing countries, funds for annuity are being borrowed by state authorities for running the nation at the detriment of the seniors' care consequently postponement of allowance. For example, in my neighbourhood, there lived a 76 years old man without relatives along with has not been paid for the past 2 years. Life was so difficult for him at one point he prayed for death. petitions were written by the village chairman to the state government on his behalf, months later he received payment with joy and was able to live happily again. In conclusion, it doesn't matter the number of elderly seen, the key thing is to make sure they are healthy and well taken care of because they are the upholders of our culture and one day, we will walk in their shoes.
'There is no doubt that a healthy nation is a wealthy nation'
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
to say. Older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are ubiquitous nowadays and I believe that with communal effort, they can be well taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of.
In addition
to discussing the forms that the society can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
for this aged group, measures to mitigate the number of vulnerable will
be elucidated
in this essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, one of the strategies to ensure that the society has the number of aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
is to provide health insurance policies. Ensuring a standard health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
system will go a long way in promoting longevity, such as, free consultation by
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a geriatrician" or simply "geriatricians"?
a geriatricians
, free meals while on hospital admission, access to prescribed drugs since most of them are prone to chronic diseases; like hypertension, rheumatoid arthritis, insomnia, amnesia and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
In addition
, enhancing quality medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
won't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
prolong life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the aging process.

Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
certain that pensionable staff
are paid
as when due without delay while incentives
are made
available for all the vulnerable. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, funds for annuity are
being borrowed
by state authorities for running the nation at the detriment of the seniors'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
consequently
postponement of allowance.
For example
, in my
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
a 76 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
without relatives along with has not
been paid
for the past 2 years. Life was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
difficult for him at one point he prayed for death.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
petitions
were written
by the village chairman to the state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
on his behalf, months later he received payment with joy and was able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happily
again.

In conclusion
, it doesn't matter the number of elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, the key thing is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure they are healthy and well taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are the upholders of our culture and one day, we will walk in their shoes.

IELTS essay Having too many old people, is it right for the society to take care of them and what can we do to reduce the number.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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