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Governments should invest more money in arts or athletics?

Governments should invest more money in arts or athletics? gboNO
Governments play an important role in enhancing the welfare of the general public. Whether governments should spend more money in support of the arts than in support of athletics can be weighed in many aspects. In my opinion, I do not concur with the statement that governments should invest more money in arts. Admittedly, some people will argue that arts are an essential element for people’s mental health. For example, in a competitive and heavy-stress society, watching an art exhibition or creating various art forms can help people release the pressure. However, the arts can only give people a channel to relax their inner side. For comprehensive development, sport is a better option for governments to focus on. First of all, the government’s support to athletics can provide people a thorough training and rich resource. For example, many famous athletes started their careers from a very young age, which means the school is a place to incubate those extraordinary people. The government should invest its budget in the athletics program. It can bring not only the plenitude resource and equipment for athletes’ training but also help students establish their mental and physical development. Since in the competitive environment, people tend to spend a long time on study or work and lack of adequate exercise. Therefore, the support of the athletics program in school can create benefits for students and potential players. On the other hand, if the government spends money on sponsoring a state Olympic team, it can bring many advantages to residents. For example, when a state-sponsored team wins a championship in races and presents impressive performance, those sports players can promote the fame and status of the state. Subsequently, those parents who wish their children develop a sports career will move into the state. Moreover, prominent sports brands will invest and open more stores in the state to sell their products. Not only the economic growth will be indebted to the consequence of the government’s investment, but also sports will become prevalent in the state. Consequently, the employee rate will rise and people in the state will live healthier. To sum up, the statement is not as persuasive as it stands. Based on my expositions mentioned above, I support the viewpoint that the government should spend more money to support the development of athletics because it can facilitate people to stay healthy and create potential economic growth simultaneously. Therefore, governments should not spend more money in support of the arts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in enhancing the welfare of the
Consider using "public".
general public
.
“Whether” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
than in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of athletics can
be weighed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects. In my opinion, I do not concur with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should invest more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in arts.

Admittedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are an essential element for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mental health.
For example
, in a competitive and heavy-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
society, watching an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
exhibition or creating various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
forms can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
release the pressure.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a channel to relax their inner side. For comprehensive development,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is a better option for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to focus on.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
to athletics can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a thorough training and rich resource.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their careers from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age, which means the school is a place to incubate those extraordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest its budget in the athletics program. It can bring not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the plenitude resource and equipment for athletes’ training
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students establish their mental and physical development. Since in the competitive environment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a long time on study or work and lack of adequate exercise.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of the athletics program in school can create benefits for students and potential players.

On the other hand
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on sponsoring a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
Olympic team, it can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages to residents.
For example
, when a state-sponsored team wins a championship in races and presents impressive performance, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players can promote the fame and status of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
.
Subsequently
, those parents who wish their children develop a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
career will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
.
Moreover
, prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
brands will invest and open more stores in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
to sell their products. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the economic growth will
be indebted
to the consequence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
investment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will become prevalent in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
.
Consequently
, the employee rate will rise and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
healthier.

To sum up, the statement is not as persuasive as it stands. Based on my expositions mentioned above, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the viewpoint that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the development of athletics
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can facilitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay healthy and create potential economic growth
simultaneously
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
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IELTS essay Governments should invest more money in arts or athletics?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
412 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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