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Government argue that the population of children should control through taxes. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Government argue that the population of children should control through taxes. v. 1
Since children are the promise of the morrow, raising them with the good guidelines is quite important. While some individuals believe that children should be taught about the spirit of competition, I believe minors who learn about other social values such as co-operation become a more successful person because being a social animal, human being always needs help and support from other people to excel in life. On the one hand, people who hold the view that sense of competition is vital to survive in this globalised world, do so, because according to their opinion, population is on the rise and every child needs to be prepared forehead to face adulthood competition for securing a lucrative job. For instance, in my country, India, a student needs to compete with millions of other students to secure good government job. However, by competition one can only able to get some good position or job, long term survival at any position requires many other social skills. On the other hand, it must be agreed that sense of co-operation is mandatory for long term survival at any position. For example, if a software project manager does not know how to work in a team, he would never be able to complete any project in a given time period. Moreover, human beings require help from other people in case medical emergency or financial crisis. if one has sound social links with other masses, one would be able manage one's toughest time. In conclusion, according to my perspective, although for a child being a competitive person is necessary to attain a good position in the future, learning about social values and co-operation with other human beings is more significant to attain long term success and to survive in difficult times.
Since children are the promise of the morrow, raising them with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
guidelines is quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that children should
be taught
about the spirit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, I believe minors who learn about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
values such as co-operation become a more successful person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
animal, human being always needs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and support from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to excel in life.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who hold the view that sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is vital to survive in this
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalised' is British English.
globalised
world, do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
according to their opinion, population is on the rise and every child needs to
be prepared
forehead to face adulthood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
for securing a lucrative job.
For instance
, in my country, India, a student needs to compete with millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
students to secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
job.
However
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
or job, long term survival at any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that sense of co-operation is mandatory for long term survival at any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
.
For example
, if a software project manager does not know how to work in a team, he would never be able to complete any project in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
time period.
Moreover
, human beings require
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in case medical emergency or financial crisis.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
if
one has sound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
links with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
masses, one would be
The preposition 'to' is required in front of the verb 'manage'.
able manage
one's toughest time.

In conclusion
, according to my perspective, although for a child being a competitive person is necessary to attain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
in the future, learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
values and co-operation with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
human beings is more significant to attain long term success and to survive in difficult times.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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Amy Chua

IELTS essay Government argue that the population of children should control through taxes. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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