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Globalization. What are the positive and negative effects ?

Globalization. What are the positive and negative effects? BYrPX
In my opinion, globalization has both negative and positive impacts on the traditions, cultures of many countries, especially developing countries. To begin with, I will discuss about the positive effects that globalization is bringing to many nations in the world. In my opinion, the culture of every nation is something traditional, unique about that country. That's why it is always well-preserved and developed by the preceding generations. But some customs, some traditions are extremely religious and not suitable for everyone, some even dangerous to our lives. That's when the cultures from the other countries are useful. If we can cooperate the cultures between two countries
In my opinion, globalization has both
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negative
and
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positive
impacts on the traditions,
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cultures
of
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many
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countries
,
especially
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developing countries
.

To
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begin
with, I will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
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positive
effects that globalization is bringing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations in the world. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of every nation is something traditional, unique about that
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country
. That's why it is always well-preserved and developed by the preceding generations.
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But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
customs,
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some
traditions are
extremely
religious and not suitable for everyone,
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some
even
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dangerous
to our
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lives
. That's when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
from the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are useful.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
we can cooperate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
between two
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
countries

IELTS essay Globalization. What are the positive and negative effects?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
104 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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