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giving money to school-aged children as a prize of their good grades

giving money to school-aged children as a prize of their good grades xmbyQ
Giving prize to a child when they get a good grade motivates them to study. However, I think money is not an appropriate prize for a school-aged child. I feel this way for two reasons which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, a school-aged child may not know how to spend his or her money efficiently. He or she may use their money to buy things that they don’t really need. Therefore, they can’t learn to manage their money. For example, whenever my cousin gets a good mark, her parents give money to her. But she never tries to invest this money. She always use her prize to buy cloths which she doesn’t really need. Secondly, giving money to childeren for their good performance in school might lead them to think that the aim of studying is the money. To be more specific, they won’t study to be successful in future and. In long term, this cause a weak performance of the children in their class. As an example, when my cousin was younger, she wanted to be a doctor and she studied carefully. After a while she started to believe that studying won’t help her in the future. If her parents punish her for her weak performance at school, she says that If you give me more money as a prize, I will get a better mark on the next exam. In conclusion, giving money as a prize to encourage school-aged students is not suitable. This is because of the fact that children are not able to spend thie money efectively. In addition, they will lose the true goal of their education.
Giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prize
to a child when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grade motivates them to study.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not an appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prize
for a school-aged child. I feel this way for two reasons which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a school-aged child may not know how to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
efficiently
. He or she may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things that they don’t
really
need.
Therefore
, they can’t learn to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
, whenever my cousin
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mark, her parents give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to her.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
she never tries to invest this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. She always
The pronoun 'She' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "uses", "used".
use
her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prize
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
cloths which she doesn’t
really
need.

Secondly
, giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
childeren
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
performance in school might lead them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the aim of studying is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. To be more specific, they won’t study to be successful in future and. In long term, this cause a weak performance of the children in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. As an example, when my cousin was younger, she wanted to be a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
doctor and
she studied
carefully
.
“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
a while she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to believe that studying won’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
her in the future. If her parents punish her for her weak performance at school, she says that If you give me more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prize
, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better mark on the
next
exam.

In conclusion
, giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prize
to encourage school-aged students is not suitable. This is
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
children are not able to spend
Possible spelling mistake found.
thie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
Possible spelling mistake found.
efectively
.
In addition
, they will lose the true goal of their education.
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IELTS essay giving money to school-aged children as a prize of their good grades

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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