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Give high unemployment rate, it is recommended that the government only provide primary education and no secondary education. What do you think? v.1

Give high unemployment rate, it is recommended that the government only provide primary education and no secondary education. What do you think? v. 1
Emphasizing on primary education can resolve the unemployment rate, which is advocated by some people. From my perspective, only giving primary erudition to citizens and taking them back to work will never increase the employment rate rather than many workers would drop out from companies due to the absence of higher secondary knowledge. To begin with, primary erudition is the birthright of all, which provides basic knowledge to human begins who could survive in this blue and green ball with prime wisdom how to become socialized themselves. Despite the fact, people will not be able to hold their job position, since they have not any higher qualifications, which can earn by admitting in colleges and universities. This is because tertiary education uplifts the fundamental education of the young generation who would come to know various aspects of each side, such as science, art, and commerce. For example, in the primary level, children know how doing simple calculation like plus, minus, et Cetra. However, young people can learn deeper calculation of math that might help them in calculating the bank statement and other financial documents. In contrast, if citizens take only an elementary education, they would not work efficiently in the job market. Furthermore, several employers want deeper insight of the selected activity from any candidates. If they discover that employees possess simply basic knowledge, eventually, they could fire them from jobs. For instance, these days, especially, in software companies, whatever the exact criteria of the human resource team wants from the applicant, if it is not output in their works, they do not hesitate to kick those employees out. Thus, for gaining higher knowledge of some topics, higher erudition is necessary. In conclusion, the suggestion for governments is that they should provide only primary education to increase high employment rates. In my opinion, it is not a good idea, because having a higher certificate from tertiary proves the better quality of the candidate for the desired post.
Emphasizing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can resolve the unemployment rate, which
is advocated
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. From my perspective,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
erudition to citizens and taking them back to work will never increase the employment rate
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers would drop out from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
due to the absence of higher secondary knowledge.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
erudition is the birthright of all, which provides basic knowledge to human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
who could survive in this blue and green ball with prime wisdom how to become socialized themselves. Despite the fact,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will not be able to hold their job position, since they have not any higher qualifications, which can earn by admitting in colleges and universities. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
uplifts the fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
of the young generation who would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to know various aspects of each side, such as science, art, and commerce.
For example
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
level, children know how doing simple calculation like plus, minus,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cetra
.
However
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can learn deeper calculation of math that might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in calculating the bank statement and other financial documents.

In contrast
, if citizens take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
an elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, they would not work
efficiently
in the job market.
Furthermore
, several employers want deeper insight of the selected activity from any candidates. If they discover that employees possess
simply
basic knowledge,
eventually
, they could fire them from jobs.
For instance
, these days,
especially
, in software
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, whatever the exact criteria of the human resource team wants from the applicant, if it is not output in their works, they do not hesitate to kick those employees out.
Thus
, for gaining higher knowledge of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
topics, higher erudition is necessary.

In conclusion
, the suggestion for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
is that they should provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to increase high employment rates. In my opinion, it is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
having a higher certificate from tertiary proves the better quality of the candidate for the desired post.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Give high unemployment rate, it is recommended that the government only provide primary education and no secondary education. What do you think? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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