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For school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.10

For school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. v. 10
It is a controversial issue as to whether teachers affect children's social development and high IQ, or, whether parents are responsible for youngsters' improvement in gathering knowledge and social advancement. From my perspective, I, holistically, believe that parents are involved in both of these developments instead of preceptors. To begin with, children spend most of their early life in the care of parents. This is because most of the adolescents start their schooling from the age of four to seven so that this year is crucial for juveniles to develop the mental ability and to interact with society. For example, studies have shown that 90% of children's upbringing are dependent on their guardians who prefer to raise themselves with proper attention and care. Hence, whatever a child learns at an early age, its credit goes to the progenitor, because when he opens his eyes at first, he sees his parent first, not teachers. Another argument is that children develop their skills in the range of socioeconomic culture. The factors of socioeconomic are hobbies, society and food habits of youngsters who get from their family. However, it is an integral part of the topic from where children belong to. The reason is that the more polished and educated the family would be, the more knowledgeable and friendly the attitude of that child would possess. The first influence of the factor is that parents, for instance, select better teachers and schools for gaining a comprehensive idea of how to live in community and gathering wisdom. Thus, for giving children a better position in society, nutrients in food items, and attitude towards hobby-related activities, guardians are, astronomically, responsible. In conclusion, to be knowledgeable and societal relies on parents in lieu of teachers, so far as I am concerned. On the contrary, advocates believe that the school teachers are largely impacting on children's higher wisdom and the advancement in the community rather than parents.
It is a controversial issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
affect children's social development and high IQ, or, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for youngsters' improvement in gathering knowledge and social advancement. From my perspective, I,
holistically
, believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are involved
in both of these developments
instead
of preceptors.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their early life in the care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the adolescents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their schooling from the age of four to seven
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that this year is crucial for juveniles to develop the mental ability and to interact with society.
For example
, studies have shown that 90% of children's upbringing are dependent on their guardians who prefer to raise themselves with proper attention and care.
Hence
, whatever a child learns at an early age, its credit goes to the progenitor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when he opens his eyes at
first
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
first
, not teachers.

Another argument is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the range of socioeconomic culture. The factors of socioeconomic are hobbies, society and food habits of youngsters who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from their family.
However
, it is an integral part of the topic from where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
belong to. The reason is that the more polished and educated the family would be, the more knowledgeable and friendly the attitude of that child would possess. The
first
influence of the factor is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
for instance
, select better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and schools for gaining a comprehensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in community and gathering wisdom.
Thus
, for giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a better position in society, nutrients in food items, and attitude towards hobby-related activities, guardians are,
astronomically
, responsible.

In conclusion
, to be knowledgeable and societal relies on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in lieu of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far as I
am concerned
.
On the contrary
, advocates believe that the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are
largely
impacting on children's higher wisdom and the advancement in the community
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay For school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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