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For a long time art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

For a long time art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art? g5xpa
Computer is a splendid present of science. It has done a lot to our life. I strongly agree with the modern parents who allow their children to use devices which definely assist them to learn technology. Whereas there are many negative impacts of using device at an early age. Firstly, Children are curious inborn. They learn from the elders and quench their thirst for knowledge. And apply that learning in their life. As internet is a treasure of information, Children will have a lot of opportunities to learn more and more. As a result, Their analytical abilities will be increased. Secondly, Their communication power will be improved. As they will talk to many people across the world. Ultimately, They can embrace their cultural diversity. Besides, these advantages it has a few disadvantages. Sitting for a long time on the computer screen is detrimental for both physical and mental health. Moreover, there are many coolant content which may contract their mentality. It will be a barrier for their better socialization. In addition, Children can play their devices under the supervision of their parents. And they should not play their device monotonously for more than an hour.
Computer is a splendid present of science. It has done a lot to our life. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the modern parents who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
which
Possible spelling mistake found.
definely
assist them to learn technology.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
at an early age.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are curious inborn. They learn from the elders and quench their thirst for knowledge. And apply that learning in their life. As internet is a treasure of information,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities to learn more and more.
As a result
, Their analytical abilities will
be increased
.

Secondly
, Their communication power will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
they will talk to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
across the world.
Ultimately
, They can embrace their cultural diversity.

Besides
, these advantages it has a few disadvantages. Sitting for a long time on the computer screen is detrimental for both physical and mental health.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
coolant content which may contract their mentality. It will be a barrier for their better socialization.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
can play their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
under the supervision of their parents. And they should not play their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
monotonously
for more than an hour.
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IELTS essay For a long time art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
195 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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