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famous person who you admire

famous person who you admire 6Kdj0
I really enjoy listening to music, so I have a lot of favourite artists but the artist that I love the most is Jimin Park, who is a singer of a Korean boy band, BTS. He looks adorable in real life with short bright blonde hair and a tall slim build, which is elegant and energetic at the same time. He has the nickname “cutie, sexy, lovely” because he can pull off any style, from a cute, lovely boy to an attractive gentleman. He always brings brilliant ideas to his performance so that he would be able to provide the fans with the best performance possible. Some of his interesting ideas include performing in an inflated bubble or wearing a blindfold while dancing on stage. He is my favourite member because he’s hard working and has a caring nature. He is gifted with an amazing musical intelligence and dance skill, which means he is sensitive to rhythm. For example, he can listen to a song and dance to every single beat of that song. Another thing is that he always cares for other people, he can feel others’ pain and comfort them, which I think is also a sign of emotional intelligence. With all the fame and money that he has, he never lets those things blind him and become greedy or selfish. He still dedicates himself to work and to the fan and I think that inspires others to do the same. After all, if I could have any dream now, I’d definitely like a chance to work by his side, maybe assisting him in learning English. Imagine all the things and inspiration I can learn from him. He could show me how to manage my time and find motivation to work hard like he does every day.
I
really
enjoy listening to music,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
artists
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the artist that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
the most is Jimin Park, who is a singer of a Korean boy band, BTS. He looks adorable in real life with short bright blonde hair and a tall slim build, which is elegant and energetic at the same time. He has the nickname “cutie, sexy, lovely”
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he can pull off any style, from a cute, lovely boy to an attractive gentleman.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
He
always brings brilliant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to his performance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that he would be able to provide the fans with the best performance possible.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of his interesting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
include performing in an inflated bubble or wearing a blindfold while dancing on stage. He is my
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
member
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he’s
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
and has a caring nature. He
is gifted
with an amazing musical intelligence and dance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, which means he is sensitive to rhythm.
For example
, he can listen to a song and dance to every single beat of that song. Another thing is that he always cares for other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, he can feel others’ pain and comfort them, which I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
is
also
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of emotional intelligence.

With all the fame and money that he has, he never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
those things blind him and become greedy or selfish. He
still
dedicates himself to work and to the fan and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that inspires others to do the same.
After all
, if I could have any dream
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, I’d definitely like a chance to work by his side, maybe assisting him in learning English. Imagine all the things and inspiration I can learn from him. He could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
me how to manage my time and find motivation to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
like he does every day.
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IELTS essay famous person who you admire

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
299 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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