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Extreme sports should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Extreme sports should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree? PgNBd
The trend of playing deadly sports is on its peak. I t is thought that these need to be prohibited partially agree with this notion. There are some reasons which I elucidate in this essay. At the outset, playing dangerous activities can be really dreadful for players owing to a number of risks associated with it. Firstly, people can have serious injuries while playing especially for those who are beginners and want to try just for fun. Neither they have not taken any training, nor are they experienced. To exemplify, Bungee jumping is threatening activity. To play this, people have to jump from at least 500 feet. This can injure them. This would bring drawbacks for them. Moreover, activists are not safer while enjoying deadly sports. Although, various equipments are given to them such as, life saving jacket, helmet and many more, rather they are under danger. For example, paragliding is played by millions of people every year. Hundreds of them die. Last year in Sikkim, 10 people die because they had heart attacks while playing and they lost their balance and collided with a rock. However, restricting individuals from playing their favourite sports does not make sense. This step can just snatch their freedom. They play for fun. People must have liberty to do what they want. And safety measures keep players safe. Apart from this, there are very rare chances of being dead or injured. A survey revealed that 5 people can die out of one thousand. Therefore, people should take part in those activities in which they are interested. In conclusion, banning serious sports can save lives of people, but taking freedom from activists to play game that they are fond of, does not make any sense.
The trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
deadly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is on its peak. I t is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that these need to
be prohibited
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons which I elucidate in this essay.

At the outset,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
activities can be
really
dreadful for players owing to a number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
associated with it.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have serious injuries while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
especially
for those who are beginners and want to try
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for fun. Neither they have not taken any training, nor are they experienced. To exemplify, Bungee jumping is threatening activity. To play this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
jump from at least
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
500 feet
. This can injure them. This would bring drawbacks for them.

Moreover
, activists are not safer while enjoying deadly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Although, various equipments are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them such as, life saving jacket, helmet and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more,
rather
they are under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
.
For example
, paragliding
is played
by millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
every year. Hundreds of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
. Last year in Sikkim, 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they had heart attacks while
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
playing and
they lost their balance and collided with a rock.

However
, restricting individuals from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sense. This step can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
snatch their freedom. They play for fun.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have liberty to do what they want. And safety measures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
players safe. Apart from this, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rare chances of being dead or injured. A survey revealed that 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
out of one thousand.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in those activities in which they
are interested
.

In conclusion
, banning serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
taking freedom from activists to play game that they are fond of, does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any sense.
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IELTS essay Extreme sports should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
290 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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