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Due to the increasing number of reported obesity cases, it is suggested that companies should design exercise room or supply workers with exercising time during working hours. To what exten do you agree?

Due to the increasing number of reported obesity cases, it is suggested that companies should design exercise room or supply workers with exercising time during working hours. To what exten do you agree? BLgOw
For the past few decades, corporations have been encouraged to provide employees with exercise zones and time at work. From my perspective, t staff ought to have chances to work out in the workplace. It is undeniable that workers are the first to benefit from being able to exercise at work. To begin with, their health tends to be completely improved. Regarding physical health, it would change the sedentary lifestyle of office workers and help them keep fit and reduce common office diseases such as obesity, backache, or headache. Besides, in terms of mental health, exercise time is when they relax after hours of work, which makes them less stressed and work more productively. Therefore, a lot of corporations such as Google, have private gyms for their employees. Moreover, having an exercise room in companies can reduce their costs for exercise. Staff can freely use high-quality workout facilities of companies instead of paying hundreds of dollars for the gyms or sport centers. Another benefit from this is employers. First of all, they can be by far more advantageous in recruitment and retention talents if they have exercise places for employees. As this can provide better working conditions, employees are likely to be more satisfied with their jobs. Therefore, these companies can attract and own more talents than those who do not have exercise facilities. Secondly, this can lead to higher productivity in working. Exercise can increase employee attendance and improve brain function, which finally results in better performance at work. In addition, a gym in companies is where colleagues may discuss and have a close conversation with each other. As a result, they may have a better understanding and teamwork. In conclusion, supplying employees with exercise facilities and time is essential. Thereby, it should be widely applied in the future.
For the past few decades, corporations have
been encouraged
to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
zones and time at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. From my perspective, t staff ought to have chances to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
out in the workplace.

It is undeniable that workers are the
first
to benefit from being able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, their health tends to be completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. Regarding physical health, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the sedentary lifestyle of office workers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
common office diseases such as obesity, backache, or headache.
Besides
, in terms of mental health,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
time is when they relax after hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more
productively
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
corporations such as Google, have private gyms for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
Moreover
, having an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
room in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their costs for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. Staff can
freely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
high-quality workout facilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
instead
of paying hundreds of dollars for the gyms or sport centers.

Another benefit from this is employers.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they can be by far more advantageous in recruitment and retention talents if they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
places for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. As this can provide better working conditions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are likely to be more satisfied with their jobs.
Therefore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
can attract and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
more talents than those who do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
facilities.
Secondly
, this can lead to higher productivity in working.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Exercise
can increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
attendance and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
brain function, which
finally
results in better performance at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
In addition
, a gym in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
is where colleagues may discuss and have a close conversation with each other.
As a result
, they may have a better understanding and teamwork.

In conclusion
, supplying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
facilities and time is essential. Thereby, it should be
widely
applied in the future.
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IELTS essay Due to the increasing number of reported obesity cases, it is suggested that companies should design exercise room or supply workers with exercising time during working hours. To what exten do you agree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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