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Does family play the most significant role in children’s development or media and culture are the main factors?

Does family play the most significant role in children’s development or media and culture are the main factors? nXVwl
Family plays such a crucial role in children's lives that no one can deny it. The key question at this issue is, whether family plays the most significant role in children's development or media and culture are the main factors? Indeed, achieving the best answer, this matter is to be considered in a broader context which we will discuss here. On the one hand, it is naively believed that media and culture are the most essential parts in children's development owing to the changing in lifestyle and increasing in accessing to media. In fact, one reason given for that is, nowadays both parents are working, therefore paternal interactions with children diminished; consequently, children's rapport with peers increases. Thus external factors such as media, books, TV as well as culture become the main elements in children's development. This is, however, countered by the notion that all above mentioned factors affect children at older ages, while psychologists believe that first years of every human life are the most crucial years which could shape all the characters of them. Clearly, the view is not effective and should be considered thoroughly. On the other hand, it is popularly believed that due to the fact that family is the initial society of children, it is the main factor that influences them. The fact of the matter is, parents and family members are the first role models of every child. Also values are transmitted by family. Not only does family influence children socially, but also it influences them biologically. The characteristics convey through parents to children could determine their future path unconsciously. The contrasting view is, children are exposing to media, TV, and books or attend kindergarten from the very low age, reducing family's effects; nevertheless monitoring, controlling and selecting proper media and books, the problem can easily be solved. In my point of view, family is the most notable element in children's lives. By and large, socially influential as media and culture are, nothing could be substituted for family. Indeed, family's effects on children are permanent. As a result, due to the fact that family is very essential, we should pay more attention to this very important factor to have developed children as well as society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
plays such a crucial role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
that no one can deny it. The key question at this issue is, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
plays the most significant role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
development or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
are the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
?
Indeed
, achieving the best answer, this matter is to
be considered
in a broader context which we will discuss here.

On the one hand, it is
naively
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
are the most essential parts in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
development owing to the changing in lifestyle and increasing in accessing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
, one reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for
that is
, nowadays both parents are working,
therefore
paternal interactions with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
diminished;
consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
rapport with peers increases.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, books, TV
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
become the main elements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
development. This is,
however
, countered by the notion that all above mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at older ages, while psychologists believe that
first
years of every human life are the most crucial years which could shape all the characters of them.
Clearly
, the view is not effective and should
be considered
thoroughly
.

On the other hand
, it is
popularly
believed that due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the initial society of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it is the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
that influences them. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
of the matter is, parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members are the
first
role models of every child.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
values
are transmitted
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
socially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it influences them
biologically
. The characteristics convey through parents to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could determine their future path
unconsciously
. The contrasting view is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are exposing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, TV, and books or attend kindergarten from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low age, reducing family's effects;
nevertheless
monitoring, controlling and selecting proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and books, the problem can
easily
be solved
. In my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the most notable element in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

By and large,
socially
influential as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
are, nothing could
be substituted
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Indeed
, family's effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are permanent.
As a result
, due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential, we should pay more attention to this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
to have developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as society.
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IELTS essay Does family play the most significant role in children’s development or media and culture are the main factors?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
371 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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