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Do you think it is better for students to work before their university study? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice. v.2

Do you think it is better for students to work before their university study? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice. v. 2
In this day and age, most people including university students prefer to engage in work to earn a living. Besides, many of the university undergraduates do part time jobs while they are studying to compete with the job market. As such, I believe that it is far better for them to work prior to completion of studies. To begin with, there are a number of benefits of engaging work whilst studying. Firstly, students who are having the subject knowledge can apply their skills practically at working place and this will ultimately help both the employee and employer. In addition to that, it probably assists people to enhance and sharpen the skill set which will require to perform well in the jobs in the future as well. For example, an accounting undergraduate can easily apply theory they are learning at the college than those who does not have the theoretical knowledge. Apart from that, doing both studies and working will certainly boost person’s financial earnings as they can earn while studying. In fact, those people can easily afford the university fees and other expenses without burdening to their parents. Moreover, once the student is graduated experience they earned will be very helpful when applying and getting a job in the relevant field. For instance, according to a recent study conducted by a researcher shows that most of the employees in IT sector are skilled workers with experience than those who are just passed out graduates. In conclusion, although students will get disrupt by doing both studies and the work at the same time, there are more chances for people to easily enter to the career. Therefore, I am in the view that it is good to work before completing studies.
In this day and age, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
including university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
prefer to engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to earn a living.
Besides
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the university undergraduates do
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
while they are studying to compete with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market. As such, I believe that it is far better for them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
prior to completion of studies.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are a number of benefits of engaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
whilst studying.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are having the subject knowledge can apply their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
practically
at working place and this will
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
both the employee and employer.
In addition
to that, it
probably
assists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enhance and sharpen the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
set which will require
Did you mean "performing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to perform
well in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in the future
as well
.
For example
, an accounting undergraduate can
easily
apply theory they are learning at the college than those who does not have the theoretical knowledge.

Apart from that, doing both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and working will
certainly
boost person’s financial earnings as they can earn while studying. In fact, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
easily
afford the university fees and other expenses without burdening to their parents.
Moreover
, once the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is graduated
experience they earned will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful when applying and getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
The usual preposition for "getting a job" is "with" for an organization. Revise: "with the relevant".
in the relevant
field.
For instance
, according to a recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
conducted by a researcher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that most of the employees in IT sector
are skilled
workers with experience than those who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
passed out graduates.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
disrupt by doing both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at the same time, there are more chances for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
easily
enter to the career.
Therefore
, I am in the view that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
completing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Do you think it is better for students to work before their university study? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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