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Do you agree or disagree with the statement: Internet is as important as other service such as building roads that government should make Internet access to all the citizens at no cost. v.1

: Internet is as important as other service such as building roads that government should make Internet access to all the citizens at no cost. v. 1
It is undeniable that some people may suffer from bad events such as being in an unsatisfied job or lacking of money. Although some of them believe that they have to accept the situation, I would argue that it is way better to give a try and make improvements on such events. On the one hand, those who believe that a bad situation should be accepted as it is might face greater problems in their lives. This is because they opt to put themselves in harmful positions that they can easily be avoided. For instance, my uncle is suffering due to the shortage of money as he was a senior marking manager for DAMAC company for 9 years in the KSA. He did not use the money he was taking as salary properly and thus he is now creditor for many banks. The problem is that he accepts the situation without giving a try to improve. In contrast, if he works hard on himself to search for a job he will succeed or at least will have the ability to gain some profits. On the other hand, my view is that there is always a second chance in everything, and people should keep trying to satisfy their needs and have better positions. For example, 3 years ago, I planned to study MBA in the United States to enrich my knowledge in Project Management. After completion, I signed for a job as a Project Manager for one of the wealthiest companies around the globe and luckily, I got high salary and incentives more than I have expected. If I did not plan to study abroad, I would not be able to receive the desired salary. To conclude, people should have horizons in the long run and should not accept their temporarily-bad positions. Trying hardly to improve a work or money resources would be vital ideas to success.
It is undeniable that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may suffer from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as being in an unsatisfied job or lacking of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them believe that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
accept the situation, I would argue that it is way better to give a
"Try and" is common in colloquial speech, but "try to" is recommended for writing.
try and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
improvements on such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

On the one hand, those who believe that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
situation should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
as it is might face greater problems in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they opt to put themselves in harmful positions that they can
easily
be avoided
.
For instance
, my uncle is suffering due to the shortage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as he was a senior marking manager for
Possible spelling mistake found.
DAMAC
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
for 9 years in the KSA. He did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
he was taking as salary
properly
and
thus
he is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
creditor for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
banks. The problem is that he accepts the situation without giving a try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
.
In contrast
, if he works
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
on himself to search for a job he will succeed or at least will have the ability to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
profits.

On the other hand
, my view is that there is always a second chance in everything, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
trying to satisfy their needs and have better positions.
For example
, 3 years ago, I planned to study MBA in the United States to enrich my knowledge in Project Management. After completion, I signed for a job as a Project Manager for one of the wealthiest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
around the globe and luckily, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
high salary and incentives more than I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
. If I did not plan to study abroad, I would not be able to receive the desired salary.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should have horizons in the long run and should not accept their
temporarily
-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
positions. Trying hardly to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
a work or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
resources would be vital
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to success.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay : Internet is as important as other service such as building roads that government should make Internet access to all the citizens at no cost. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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