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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Only people who earn a lot of money are successful. v.841

Only people who earn a lot of money are successful. v. 841
Money is very important in our lives. In fact, it is needed for every single activity. There are people that even have died, in their adventure to get money. My grandmother used to say that " life is not about money" , and I agree with her, because there are things that money cannot buy such as spiritual feelings. I don' t agree with the statement that only people who ear a lot of money are successful, and I think in this way for two important reasons. In the first place, money may buy material things, but not satisfaction. There are many people that have money to buy everything that they wish, but they are not happy. They gathered millions of dollars and still they want to get more. They keep working in the same way everyday, but they don' t realize that time cannot comeback. For instance, they don' t take time for themselves and their families. As a result, after many years they discover that is too late to recover the time that they invested searching for money. Thus, success have a broad definition, even each person has his or her own concept. To be successful is to be happy with the things that you already have. Another noteworthy aspect of this ongoing explanation is that people who make a lot of money work under many pressure. As a matter of fact, pressure evokes stress, and as we know this is one of the principal causes of heart attack. Indeed, some scientific studies reveals that 6 out of 10 entrepreneurs have blood pressure problems due to their life style. So, when I mention life style I meant that they worry more than a normal person who works as employee in a company. As we can see, money doesn' t make people free. To sum up, to be successful meant to be satisfied with the things that you do, rather than getting huge amounts of money doing something that doesn' t t make you happy. I encourage students who are still thinking about their future careers, to choose careers based your experience, rather than money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. In fact, it
is needed
for every single activity. There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that even have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
, in their adventure to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. My grandmother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to say that
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
; life is not about
Possible spelling mistake found.
money&quot
;
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with her,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
such as spiritual feelings. I
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
A noun should not follow 'who'. Try changing to a verb or maybe to "who is a ear".
who ear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
are successful, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in this way for two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons.

In the
first
place,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
material things,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not satisfaction. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
everything that they wish,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are not happy. They gathered millions of dollars and
still
they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
working
in the same way
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t realize that time cannot comeback.
For instance
, they
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t take time for themselves and their families.
As a result
, after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years they discover
that is
too late to recover the time that they invested searching for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Thus
, success have a broad definition, even each person has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
concept. To be successful is to be happy with the things that you already have.

Another noteworthy aspect of this ongoing explanation is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
work under
Possible agreement error. The noun pressure seems to be countable; consider using: "many pressures".
many pressure
. As a matter of fact, pressure evokes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, and as we know this is one of the principal causes of heart attack.
Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
scientific studies reveals that 6 out of 10 entrepreneurs have blood pressure problems due to their life style.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, when I mention life style I meant that they worry more than a normal person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
works as employee in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
free.

To sum up, to be successful meant to
be satisfied
with the things that you do,
rather
than getting huge amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
doing something that
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039;
Possible typo: you repeated a word
t t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you happy. I encourage students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
still
thinking about their future careers, to choose careers based your experience,
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Only people who earn a lot of money are successful. v. 841

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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