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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Many schools for young children require students to work together in small groups instead of working alone for many of their activities. v.392

Many schools for young children require students to work together in small groups instead of working alone for many of their activities. v. 392
Some people believe that the increasing popularity of amusement on portable devices is believed to have a negative effect on individuals and communities. While I accept that this advancement has several benefits, I would believe that it is more likely to have harmful impacts to some extent. On the one hand, there are various advantages in term of playing mobile games. From a personal perspective, games on handheld electronics equipment serve as excellent relaxation tools for people suffering from high levels of stress. In simple terms, some genre of games allows participants unwind whenever they want, either during breaks or after a long day at work, without having any influence on their productivity. Another merit to take into account is that this model has the ability to create global communities for people sharing the same interests. Take PUBG games as a typical example, millions of players from all around the world can connect as taking part in international events and competitions held by PUBG Corporation. On the other hand, I still recognize that there is an enormous range of negative aspects of overuse of video games. First of all, young people spend too much greater time to interact with their devices, which causes lack of face-to-face interactions as well as social relationships. The mounting evidence is that game addicted individuals not only neglect their families and friends, but also isolate themselves from the surroundings. Apart from it, since children can easily access brutal games such as shooting, fighting, killing games. If this type of games is increasingly popular, society will witness more deplorable cases regarding violence, sex and even murder. In conclusion, while I believe that the improvement of technology in entertainment has several advantages to some extent, I still believe that this development has more negative impacts on our lives than the benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the increasing popularity of amusement on portable devices
is believed
to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on individuals and communities. While I accept that this advancement has several benefits, I would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is more likely to have harmful impacts to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.

On the one hand, there are various advantages in term of playing mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. From a personal perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on handheld electronics equipment serve as excellent relaxation tools for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffering from high levels of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. In simple terms,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
genre of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
participants unwind whenever they want, either during breaks or after a long day at work, without having any influence on their productivity. Another merit to take into account is that this model has the ability to create global communities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
sharing the same interests. Take PUBG
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as a typical example, millions of players from all around the world can connect as taking part in international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and competitions held by PUBG Corporation.

On the other hand
, I
still
recognize that there is an enormous range of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of overuse of video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend too much greater time to interact with their devices, which causes lack of face-to-face interactions
as well
as social relationships. The mounting evidence is that
Make sure that the adjective 'game' is correct. Possibly, it should be an adverb (typically ~ly) that modifies 'addicted'. Possibly, it should be the first word in a compound adjective (hyphenated adjective). Possibly, it is correct.
game addicted
individuals not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
neglect their families and friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
isolate themselves from the surroundings. Apart from it, since children can
easily
access brutal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as shooting, fighting, killing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. If this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
increasingly
popular, society will witness more deplorable cases regarding violence, sex and even murder.

In conclusion
, while I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the improvement of technology in entertainment has several advantages to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that this development has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
than the benefits
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many schools for young children require students to work together in small groups instead of working alone for many of their activities. v. 392

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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