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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents today are more involved in their children’s education than were parents in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.199

Parents today are more involved in their children’s education than were parents in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 199
It is a true that today's children have more independence rather than previous life generation. However, nowadays, many people believe that pupils have a lot of liberty. I strongly agree with this trend to a large extent and in the ensuing paragraphs I will allude to these arguments further. There are multifarious points to shore up my point of view. First and foremost, today, parents have a hustle and bustle life, both father and mother are working in their field. Therefore, they give less quality time to their pupils, which offers them a great freedom and children enjoy shopping with friends, watching movies and so on. In addition, children watch foreign culture films, music and a source of entertainments. Although, they become westernized culture and lives alone. Therefore, they get quality freedom without restrictions of elders. Furthermore, in present day we are living in an age of rapid technological advances. It affects in different ways. For instance, children use social media such as Facebook, Whatsapp, and Instagram, Pupils have opportunities to use these platforms and they have the liberty of making new friends by these technologies. On the contrary, children have less freedom from their parents. This restriction is right for children's life. If parents will give more independence to children, they would divert to a wrong path. For, example, pupils will drink alcohol and consume drugs. To conclude, I personally reckon that the offsprings in this modern time are free to a certain extent, but the lack of freedom in other aspects.
It is a true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more independence
rather
than previous life generation.
However
, nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
liberty. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this trend to a large extent and in the ensuing paragraphs I will allude to these arguments
further
.

There are multifarious points to shore up my point of view.
First
and foremost,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, parents have a hustle and bustle life, both father and mother are working in their field.
Therefore
, they give less quality time to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
, which offers them a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
enjoy shopping with friends, watching movies and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
foreign culture films, music and a source of entertainments. Although, they become
Possible incorrect capitalization. Some verbs that are derived from proper nouns can have both an initial capital letter and an initial lower case letter. If there is a close association with the proper noun, use "Westernized".
westernized
culture and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
alone.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
without restrictions of elders.

Furthermore
, in present day we are living in an age of rapid technological advances. It affects in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
social media such as Facebook,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
, and Instagram,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Pupils
have opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
platforms and
they have the liberty of making new friends by these technologies.

On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
from their parents. This restriction is right for children's life. If parents will give more independence to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they would divert to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
path. For, example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
will drink alcohol and consume drugs.

To conclude
, I
personally
reckon that the
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
in this modern time are free to a certain extent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
in other aspects.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Parents today are more involved in their children’s education than were parents in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 199

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
253 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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