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do agree or disagree/ playing computer games is a waste of time and children should not be allowed to play them v.2

do agree or disagree/ playing computer games is a waste of time and children should not be allowed to play them v. 2
It is a highly debated issue whether or not playing computer games is a waste of time and children should not be allowed to play them, and this topic can be approached from several angles due to its complexity. Deeply deliberating to the issue, Personally, I believe that playing games has a bad effect on the children behavior and the following discussion reveals my stand and reasoning. To begin with, playing computer games has health probloms to kids. In order for children to play computer games, they spend a lot of time infront of the computer screen and they concentrate on the games to win that affect their health negatively. For example, three weeks ago, I read an article about the effect of computer games on children. The author asserts that there are many health issues for that such as back pain, eye dryness, brain and headache. In fact, he adds one chapter to explain these problems and even he posits that these issues would impact on the future health for children. He mentions also that this would make a child more lonely and may create physiological diseases and parents would suffer because of that. Actually, he argues that parents should pay attention for that since they will struggle for the health problems and he provides many examples that illustrate these things. In addition, he gives some ways to make children busy with other things. As we can see, this book clearly explains the disadvantages of playing games and parents should control the time that children play games. Second, children should use that time to increase their knowledge. Through playing games, children will be more dragged to these games and they will fail in their education. Children should focus on their education since this will help them in future to be an effective person in the world, to get a career, and to build their personality. Take my sister as an example, when she was ten years old, she wasted her time playing games. Frankly, she spent many hours in front of the computer playing games. After months, she failed in her school and she didn' t care about that since she is delinquent. One day, her teacher asked my parents what is the problems with her and they told the teacher that the computer games. At the end, she lost the opportunity to be such a good person because she failed also in high school and she worked as customer service. However, I studied hard and I became a pharmacist and I got a lot of money and this makes her so sad since she feels that she is unsuccessful person. This experience taught me that children should spend time to plan for theie future and playing games is bad for them. By the way of conclusion, based on the arguments explored above, I firmly concur that playing computer games is a waste of time for children and they should focue on their education and their development instead. Parents should pay attention for their children since their future is worthwhile and specious.
It is a
highly
debated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to play them, and this topic can
be approached
from several angles due to its complexity.
Deeply
deliberating to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
,
Personally
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behavior and the following discussion reveals my stand and reasoning.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Possible spelling mistake found.
probloms
to kids. In order for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Possible spelling mistake found.
infront
of the computer
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
screen and
they concentrate on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to win that affect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
negatively
.
For example
, three weeks ago, I read an article about the effect of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The author asserts that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
for that such as back pain, eye dryness, brain and headache. In fact, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
one chapter to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
these problems and even he posits that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
would impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. He mentions
also
that this would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a child more lonely and may create physiological diseases and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would suffer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that. Actually, he argues that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should pay attention for that since they will struggle for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problems and
he provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
examples that illustrate these things.
In addition
, he gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
busy with other things. As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, this book
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
the disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play games.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to increase their knowledge. Through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will be more dragged to these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
they will fail in their education.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should focus on their education since this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
to be an effective person in the world, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a career, and to build their personality. Take my sister as an example, when she was ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, she wasted her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Frankly
, she spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours in front of the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. After months, she failed in her
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
she
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t care about that since she is delinquent. One day, her teacher asked my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
what is the problems with
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
her and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
the teacher that the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, she lost the opportunity to be such a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she failed
also
in high
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
she worked as customer service.
However
, I studied
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and I became a pharmacist and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
her
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
sad since she feels that she
Please check whether an article is missing: "is a unsuccessful" or "is an unsuccessful"
is unsuccessful
person. This experience taught me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to plan for
Possible spelling mistake found.
theie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for them.

By the way of conclusion, based on the arguments explored above, I
firmly
concur that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they should
Possible spelling mistake found.
focue
on their education and their development
instead
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should pay attention for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
since their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is worthwhile and specious.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
61Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes

IELTS essay do agree or disagree/ playing computer games is a waste of time and children should not be allowed to play them v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
513 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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