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Developed countries should take more refugees from poorer countries. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Affluent countries are said to accept more refugees and supply them with the basic needs like shelter and food. I totally disagree with this statement. Since, first of all, immigrants can create conflicts with natives. Secondly, they pose a considerable threat to the development of such countries mentioned above. For one thing, immigrants, who flood in wealthy countries mostly with the aim of making much money and finding better life qualities, seem to be perilous. They can be the reason for regular conflicts with native dwellers, which results in further serious matters. The more refugees means the crowded the state is. Cities may become bustling and this affects the normal daily lives of citizens, anyways. For another thing, refugees always come to affluent states with better life opportunities in mind. After all, they may have negative influence on the improvement of the countries. As the number of immigrants grows, they start requiring more help including food and housing. If countries, even wealthy ones commence the activity of providing refugees more and more, again and again, this may create shortage of the above-mentioned food, housing and so on. Increased number of immigrants shows changes in places. They start settling in. It also means that the possibility of overpopulation, which results in delays in progress in certain countries by all means. In conclusion, wealthy countries need to let foreigner inhabit and they should provide them with the places to live in and foodstuff. In my opinion, this is not true as immigrants tend to make scandals with the population. Moreover, they may make the countries face developmental issues at some point.
Affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are said
to accept more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
and supply them with the basic needs like shelter and food. I
totally
disagree with this statement. Since,
Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
first of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
can create conflicts with natives.
Secondly
, they pose a considerable threat to the development of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
mentioned above.

For one thing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
, who flood in wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
mostly
with the aim of making much money and finding better life qualities, seem to be perilous. They can be the reason for regular conflicts with native dwellers, which results in
further
serious matters. The more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
means the crowded the state is. Cities may become bustling and this affects the normal daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of citizens, anyways.

For another thing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to affluent states with better life opportunities in mind.
After all
, they may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on the improvement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. As the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
grows, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
requiring more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
including food and housing. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, even wealthy ones commence the activity of providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
more and more, again and again, this may create shortage of the above-mentioned food, housing and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Increased number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in places. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
settling in. It
also
means that the possibility of overpopulation, which results in delays in progress in certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
by all means.

In conclusion
, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
foreigner
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
inhabit and
they should provide them with the places to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in and foodstuff. In my opinion, this is not true as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
scandals with the population.
Moreover
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
face developmental issues at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point.
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Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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