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Describe a foreign person who you have heard or known that you think is interesting

Describe a foreign person who you have heard or known that you think is interesting G9MA2
Being a voracious reader, I have heard about many foreign persons. In my opinion, the most interesting personality among them is Mr Elon Musk. Five years back, I watched a documentary on his life. From that day I became a big fan of him. He was born in South Africa. Now he is a citizen of the united states of America. He is one of the most unorthodox entrepreneurs of the contemporary epoch. His success thrives primarily on the key personality traits that drive him to lead his life towards an impressive growth trajectory. He is an interesting person because he has this uncanny knack for going beyond the conventional domain. Due to this habit, he has planned to give a tough competition to NASA, by foraying into the Space Exploration domain. Unlike other business people, his focus is not on strengthening his bottom line, rather he focuses on solving the pressing problems of planet earth. Moreover, he has not confined himself to one business. Apart from space exploration, he has a keen interest in automobiles as well. He is the owner of Tesla Motors that produces the best electric car in the world named “TESLA“. The constant endeavor of Mr Elon Musk to generate out of the box makes him an interesting person
Being a voracious reader, I have heard about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
foreign persons. In my opinion, the most interesting personality among them is Mr Elon Musk.

Five years back, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
a documentary on his life. From that day I became a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fan of him.

He
was born
in South Africa.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
he is a citizen of the
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
united states of America
.

He is one of the most unorthodox entrepreneurs of the contemporary epoch. His success thrives
primarily
on the key personality traits that drive him to lead his life towards an impressive growth trajectory.

He is an interesting person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he has this uncanny knack for going beyond the conventional domain. Due to this habit, he has planned to give a tough competition to NASA, by foraying into the Space Exploration domain.

Unlike other business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, his focus is not on strengthening his bottom line,
rather
he focuses on solving the pressing problems of planet earth.

Moreover
, he has not confined himself to one business. Apart from space exploration, he has a keen interest in automobiles
as well
. He is the owner of Tesla Motors that produces the best electric car in the world named “TESLA“.

The constant endeavor of Mr Elon Musk to generate out of the box
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
him an interesting person
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Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Describe a foreign person who you have heard or known that you think is interesting

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
213 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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