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Describe a beautiful place you once visited You should say when you went to this place where it was who you went with and say why you liked it so much v.1

Describe a beautiful place you once visited You should say when you went to this place where it was who you went with and say why you liked it so much v. 1
The educational activities for students after school are more important continuing to be a controversial topic. There are valid opinions on both sides, which I will discuss. On the one hand, some parents prefer their children to do educational activities after school because of the intense competition in the whole world. For example, they will plan numerous academic exercise and tutorial classes for their children to ensure they can get a high ranking in school. Most of the parents only concentrate on their children's school exam results; they believe that more superior exam results equal to a better future. Moreover, some parent thinks that children always waste their leisure time to playing mobile or computer, doing educational activities can take advantage of time in the right way. On the other hand, some people think that this way will push children under pressure. Nowadays, the homework that school gives a student is already over-workload. An investigation shows that Hong Kong students spend an average of 2 hours a day to complete all their homework. Meanwhile, they need to go to school for 8 hours a day, which means they need to spend 10 hours a day in the academic field. If the children need to do educational activities after school, it will give them immense pressure and bring out a negative effect to them. Furthermore, as the competition increase, the academic result is not the only criterion to determine the student's future. Society becomes more focused on various developments of the student. Thus, parents should not limit their children only can do educational activities. Overall, I feel that it may sometime do more harm than good to give many workloads to children. We should concentrate on their other development and it will more favourable to their growth.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
continuing to be a controversial topic. There are valid opinions on both sides, which I will discuss.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
prefer their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the intense competition in the whole world.
For example
, they will plan numerous academic exercise and tutorial classes for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to ensure they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high ranking in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrate on their children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
exam results; they believe that more superior exam results equal to a better future.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
always waste their leisure time to playing mobile or computer, doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can take advantage of time in the right way.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this way will push
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under pressure. Nowadays, the homework that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
gives a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is already over-workload. An investigation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that Hong Kong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend an average of 2 hours a day to complete all their homework. Meanwhile, they need to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
for 8 hours a day, which means they need to spend 10 hours a day in the academic field. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it will give them immense pressure and bring out a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect to them.
Furthermore
, as the competition increase, the academic result is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
criterion to determine the student's future. Society becomes more focused on various developments of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not limit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
activities.

Overall
, I feel that it may sometime do more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workloads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. We should concentrate on their other development and it will more
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
to their growth.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Describe a beautiful place you once visited You should say when you went to this place where it was who you went with and say why you liked it so much v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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