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Criminality is growing among children and teenagers. Why is it growing and how should these criminals be treated using cellphone too long, no social government added more activities？

Criminality is growing among children and teenagers. Why is it growing and how should these criminals be treated using cellphone too long, no social government added more activities？ bOxbQ
Undoubtedly, with the lifestyle changing, criminals of teenagers and children become more than more as well as this issue are always discussed by people nowadays. This trend can be attributed to a myriad of factors, and the related solutions may also be provided as follows. An array of factors lead to why the crime rate of children and teenagers is increasing. Initially, with cellphones become have lots of features, teenagers or children spend plenty of time on it and reduce social interaction with people; therefore, they do not know how to contact with friends and emotional expression on the right way so when they are anger or mad may do some offence. Secondly, parents work for long time lead to children have no enough companionship; hence, they not being corrected in time when making mistakes. For instance, my neighbor always alone when he was young and his parents did not have time to be with him as well as he became to a criminal. There are some solutions brought about by the trend of that have criminal how to be treated. Firstly, governments can hold many activities and invite children or teenagers enjoying. For example, many teenagers are interested at sport; in addition, through participate activities improving their social skills. Secondly, parents spending some time to care their kids everyday and make sure them have a correct way. To be more specific, children and teenagers will on the way to growing up, there is parental care to avoid crime. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, there are several reasons causing more teenagers and children cirmianl, so solutions should be offered to tackle this problems.
Undoubtedly
, with the lifestyle changing, criminals of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become more than more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as this issue are always discussed by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays. This trend can
be attributed
to a myriad of factors, and the related solutions may
also
be provided
as follows.

An array of factors
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "leads"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'lead' is not always incorrect.)
lead
to why the crime rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
is increasing.
Initially
, with cellphones become have lots of features,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on it and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
social interaction with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
;
therefore
, they do not know how to contact with friends and emotional expression on the right way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when they are anger or mad may do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
.
Secondly
, parents work for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
companionship;
hence
, they not
being corrected
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when making mistakes.
For instance
, my neighbor always alone when he was young and his parents did not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to be with him
as well
as he became to a criminal.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions brought about by the trend of that have criminal how to
be treated
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
activities and invite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
enjoying.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are interested
at sport;
in addition
, through participate activities improving their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Secondly
, parents spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to care their kids
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure them have a correct way. To be more specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
will on the way to growing up, there is parental care to avoid crime.

In conclusion
, based on the aforementioned, there are several reasons causing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake found.
cirmianl
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
solutions should
be offered
to tackle
Did you mean "these"?
this
problems.
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IELTS essay Criminality is growing among children and teenagers. Why is it growing and how should these criminals be treated using cellphone too long, no social government added more activities？

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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