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Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people. Identify the possible causes of this trend and propose solutions you think would be effective v.2

Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people. Identify the possible causes of this trend and propose solutions you think would be effective v. 2
Nowadays, there are some people who advocate that having a great amount of money is the best approach to achieve happiness. This essay will discuss how money can lead to better life satisfaction and will present other elements that have the ability to bring joy to people. Happiness is heavily related to how human needs are fulfilled. Our society relies on money as a tool to provide services and products, such as a comfortable house or having someone to serve you whenever you wish. For example, being able to travel constantly to different places can lead to a decrease in stress levels. Additionally, the human brain has the natural instinct of pursuing new belongings and conquering new territories as a way to demonstrate power. Therefore, those who own fortunes can easily please themselves, which will potentially lead to better quality of life. However, there are other aspects, other than money, that could guarantee a life filled with happiness. For instance, job satisfaction plays a crucial role in the way workers assess their own lives, since they spend about 30% of their lifetime in the workplace. If these citizens do not feel they are doing valuable work, or that their performances are not being recognized, they will most certainly struggle with problems such as depression and anxiety. Additionally, even though money usually allows easier access to health care, having a healthy record is sometimes unrelated to the amount of cash you have in your bank account. In conclusion, mankind has been relying on money to achieve happiness, by purchasing experiences and services that are valuable to them. However, it is essential to understand that life satisfaction depends on other factors, such as how well we feel while working and how healthy our body and mind are.
Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who advocate that having a great amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the best approach to achieve happiness. This essay will discuss how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can lead to better life satisfaction and will present
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
elements that have the ability to bring joy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Happiness is
heavily
related to how human needs
are fulfilled
. Our society relies on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a tool to provide services and products, such as a comfortable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or having someone to serve you whenever you wish.
For example
, being able to travel
constantly
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places can lead to a decrease in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
levels.
Additionally
, the human brain has the natural instinct of pursuing new belongings and conquering new territories as a way to demonstrate power.
Therefore
, those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
fortunes can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
themselves, which will
potentially
lead to better quality of life.

However
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, that could guarantee a life filled with happiness.
For instance
, job satisfaction plays a crucial role in the way workers assess their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, since they spend about 30% of their lifetime in the workplace. If these citizens do not feel they are doing valuable work, or that their performances are not
being recognized
, they will most
certainly
struggle with problems such as depression and anxiety.
Additionally
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
easier access to health care, having a healthy record is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
unrelated to the amount of cash you have in your bank account.

In conclusion
, mankind has been relying on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to achieve happiness, by purchasing experiences and services that are valuable to them.
However
, it is essential to understand that life satisfaction depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors, such as how well we feel while working and how healthy our body and mind are.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people. Identify the possible causes of this trend and propose solutions you think would be effective v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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