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creative writing: change in perspective

creative writing: change in perspective RWPRp
The blazing midday sun was shining relentlessly on the roofs of the buildings. The roads were shimmering in the sharpest heat. The sky was light blue, you could spy no clouds. The streets were relatively empty: no one would have ever exposed themselves to the weather of a summer morning. All around me, I saw vivid colors, the colors of life. I was there, enjoying the time with my girlfriend, Gloria. We had just woken up. I had slept at her place: her dad was not in town. We felt the freedom of Summer. We were lying in bed while imagining our future life together: when you are only twenty, all you think about is who you will become. Out of the blues, we heard noises. It seemed as if someone was going up the stairs: ” Who is it? Wasn’t your dad away for the entire day? ” “I thought so, probably he got back home. Hide in the wardrobe! ” So I threw myself into that closet: Gloria’s dad couldn’t meet me. He is a renowned lawyer who merely wants the best for his daughter: he wants her to be perfect. Gloria is a gymnast: that day was the day after a remarkable competition. Hence, I hid in the wardrobe with the lights off. I was nestled in a pitch-black cloud, lost in my doubts and fears. With my ears, I could grasp what was happening: Gloria’s dad was actually home and they had just started to talk. He wanted to get to know her gymnastics results. “I got second, dad” “Second, are you joking? After your mum died, I invested all my money in you and your stupid passion. And now, you scrap thousands of money, hours of training in the worst manner possible. You are my biggest disappointment. ” “Dad, if I am such a mortification for you, I’m going to ask you something: have you ever thought about my feelings, have ever taken them into consideration? ” This is what I could hear, this is what was damaging Gloria day after day. I watched tears welling up in her eyes, I watched the embarrassment in her miserable gaze. A loud silence was flooding the room: a silence packed with Gloria’s crunched-up screams, a silence packed with Gloria’s sorrow. In a split second, that split second of intense silence, I began to follow my mind into chaotic thoughts. I could banally pronounce one word, one set of syllables: “why”. Why couldn’t a rude man embrace every uniqueness of his daughter? Why are humans not able to appreciate the immensity of being flawed? Why are we not capable of admiring the light that shines in us? That sketchy light is what makes summer our reality, that sketchy light is what leads us to a bright existence, that sketchy light is what makes us humans.
The blazing midday sun was shining
relentlessly
on the roofs of the buildings. The roads were shimmering in the sharpest heat.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
sky was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
light
blue, you could spy no clouds.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
streets were
relatively
empty: no one would have ever exposed themselves to the weather of a summer morning. All around me, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
vivid colors, the colors of life.

I was there, enjoying the time with my girlfriend, Gloria. We had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
woken up. I had slept at her place: her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dad
was not in town. We felt the freedom of Summer. We were lying in bed while imagining our future life together: when you are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
twenty, all you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about is who you will become.

Out of the blues, we heard noises. It seemed as if someone was going up the stairs:
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
”
Who is it? Wasn’t your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dad
away for the entire day? ” “I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
probably
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
back home.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Hide
in the wardrobe! ”
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I threw myself into that closet: Gloria’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dad
couldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
me. He is a renowned lawyer who
merely
wants the best for his daughter: he wants her to be perfect. Gloria is a gymnast: that day was the day after a remarkable competition.
Hence
, I hid in the wardrobe with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lights
off. I
was nestled
in a pitch-black cloud, lost in my doubts and fears. With my ears, I could grasp what was happening: Gloria’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dad
was actually
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
home and
they had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to talk. He wanted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know her gymnastics results. “I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dad”
“Second, are you joking? After your mum
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
, I invested all my money in you and your stupid passion. And
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, you scrap thousands of money, hours of training in the worst manner possible. You are my biggest disappointment. ”
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“Dad
, if I am such a mortification for you, I’m going to ask you something: have you ever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about my feelings, have ever taken them into consideration? ”

This is what I could hear, this is what was damaging Gloria day after day. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
tears welling up in her eyes, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
the embarrassment in her miserable gaze. A loud
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
silence
was flooding the room: a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
silence
packed with Gloria’s crunched-up screams, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
silence
packed with Gloria’s sorrow. In a split second, that split second of intense
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
silence
, I began to follow my mind into chaotic thoughts. I could
banally
pronounce one word, one set of syllables: “why”. Why couldn’t a rude
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
embrace every uniqueness of his daughter? Why are humans not able to appreciate the immensity of
being flawed
?
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Why
are we not capable of admiring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
light
that shines in us? That sketchy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
light
is what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
summer our reality, that sketchy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
light
is what leads us to a bright existence, that sketchy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
light
is what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us humans.
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IELTS essay creative writing: change in perspective

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
477 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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