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Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. Ke2w
It is believed that economies with extended working hours are more progressive than the countries with comparatively shorter working hours. I completely disagree with this statement and this essay will explain reasons for my argument. Firstly, longer duration of work is always associated with high cost to the government. To employ labor in any field of occupation, countries spend substantial amount of it’s revenue. If governments decided to increase the average 8 hours duration to 10 hours or more than that, it will obviously escalates the salary of employees as well as state expenditure on remuneration. For example, Japanese government pay twenty percent higher salary to the workers who agree to work extra hours. Consequently, it is common that many nations that have implemented lengthy working times have to face various challenges owing to increasing demand for salary increment. Thus, such policies are extremely problematic and challenging to implement successfully. Another point to consider is employees become less productive and efficient when it comes to longer job duration. It is a proven fact that when people engaged in similar activities in a longer period of time, the efficiency level and effectiveness decrease due to the fact that it is more exhausted. For example, some countries have become successful by applying 6 hours routine, in light of the fact that labors become more loyal and happy. Conversely, when Japan increased their duration of work, they have experienced increased suicidal rate among their employees due to work-place stress. Accordingly, it is clear that lengthy working hours have not always been economical. In conclusion, This essay argued that countries with extended duration of work not always successful due to high cost and lower productivity of employees. It is recommended to be more cautious when introducing such policies.
It
is believed
that economies with extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
are more progressive than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with
comparatively
shorter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. I completely disagree with this statement and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
reasons for my argument.

Firstly
, longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
duration
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is always associated with high cost to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. To employ labor in any field of occupation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
spend substantial amount
Did you mean "of its revenue"?
of it’s revenue
. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
decided to increase the average 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
duration
to 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
or more than that, it will
obviously
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "escalate"
escalates
the salary of
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employees
as well
as state expenditure on remuneration.
For example
, Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
pay twenty percent higher salary to the workers who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
Consequently
, it is common that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations that have implemented lengthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face various challenges owing to increasing demand for salary increment.
Thus
, such policies are
extremely
problematic and challenging
Did you mean "implementing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to implement
successfully
.

Another point to consider is
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employees
become less productive and efficient when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to longer job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
duration
. It is a proven fact that when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
engaged in similar activities in a longer period of time, the efficiency level and effectiveness decrease due to the fact that it is more exhausted.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have become successful by applying 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
routine, in light of the fact that labors become more loyal and happy.
Conversely
, when Japan increased their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
duration
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they have experienced increased suicidal rate among their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
due to work-place
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Accordingly
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that lengthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
have not always been economical.

In conclusion
, This essay argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
duration
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
not always successful due to high cost and lower productivity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. It
is recommended
to be more cautious when introducing such policies.

IELTS essay Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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