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Contribution, Leadership, and Diversity Personal

Contribution, Leadership, and Diversity Personal BMry5
Last 10 years ago Myanmar was started to develop and many sectors need to develop more. At that time Internet were so expensive and speed was so slow. It was also like a luxury thing only the rich people can use it. In my university student life, if I want to search something for my school project Internet cafe are very hard to find and can’t effort to use it. So, I decided to make develop in that community and contribute more after I graduate. After I graduated, I joined to the Internet Service Provider (ISP) in 2013 which provided Internet service mainly using Wi-Fi. We named it Carrier Grade Wi-Fi Project and it take nearly 1 and half year for the project planning to the whole country. During that time, I trained myself not only to improve technical skill but also communication skill. When the project start, I have to communicate technically with vendor and also to the cross department. I worked as a team leader in the Transmission and Wireless team. We installed the Access Point (Wireless device) and Packet Transport Network (Transmission device) on the lamp pole along the street and give service directly to the customer. That made 10 times cheaper for the customer who use wire service before that. At the same time joined the Internet community event like 2015 and 2020 Myanmar Network Operator Group (MMNOG), 2018 and 2020 Myanmar Internet Exchange (MMIX) and 2018 Asia Pacific Network Information Center (APNIC) 45th to meet the people who contribute like me and discuss with them. Moreover, I share my knowledge to my team about that community and one of my team members got fellowship from the APNIC at 48th event. She also found a way to join 2020 Asia Pacific School of Internet Governance (APSIG) and contribute more for the community. After 6 years worked at the ISP, I joined to the System Integrator (SI) at 2019 who are mainly invested at the Thilawa Industry Zone in Myanmar. At there I mainly participate the banking network project like Central Bank of Myanmar Financial Network System 2 (CBM-NET2) and Microfinance network expansion project. Before that in the Banking industry we couldn’t do interbank transfer to the other bank. If we wanted to do interbank transfer we had to go personally to the bank and withdraw the money and then went to the other bank and made payment again. So, all business need to open bank account at all bank.
Last 10 years ago Myanmar was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to develop and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors need to develop more. At that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Internet were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
expensive and speed was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
slow. It was
also
like a luxury thing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it. In my university student life, if I want to search something for my school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
Internet
'cafe' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "café"
cafe
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find and can’t effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
develop in that community and contribute more after I graduate.

After I graduated, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
to the Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Service
Provider (ISP) in 2013 which provided Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
mainly
using Wi-Fi. We named it Carrier Grade Wi-Fi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Project
and it
Did you mean "takes"?
take
nearly
1 and half year for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
planning to the whole country. During that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, I trained myself not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
technical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
communicate
technically
with vendor and
also
to the cross department. I worked as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
leader in the Transmission and Wireless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
. We installed the Access Point (Wireless device) and Packet Transport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
(Transmission device) on the lamp pole along the street and give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
directly
to the customer. That made 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
cheaper for the customer who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
wire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
that.

At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the Internet community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
like 2015 and 2020 Myanmar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
Operator Group (
Possible spelling mistake found.
MMNOG
), 2018 and 2020 Myanmar Internet Exchange (
Possible spelling mistake found.
MMIX
) and 2018 Asia Pacific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
Information Center (
Possible spelling mistake found.
APNIC
) 45th to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who contribute like me and discuss with them.
Moreover
, I share my knowledge to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
about that community and one of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
members
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
fellowship from the
Possible spelling mistake found.
APNIC
at 48th
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. She
also
found a way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
2020 Asia Pacific School of Internet Governance (
Possible spelling mistake found.
APSIG
) and contribute more for the community.

After 6 years worked at the ISP, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
to the System Integrator (SI) at 2019 who are
mainly
invested at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thilawa
Industry Zone in Myanmar. At there I
mainly
participate the banking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
network
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
like Central
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Bank
of Myanmar Financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
System 2 (CBM-NET2) and Microfinance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
network
expansion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
.
“Before” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Before
that in the Banking industry we couldn’t do interbank transfer to the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
. If we wanted to do interbank transfer we had to go
personally
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
and withdraw the money and then went to the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
and made payment again.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, all business need to open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
account at all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
.
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IELTS essay Contribution, Leadership, and Diversity Personal

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
413 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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