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Computers are increasingly used in education. In which areas do you think are computers more important and in which areas are teachers more important? v.2

Computers are increasingly used in education. In which areas do you think are computers more important and in which areas are teachers more important? v. 2
It is certainly true that the present time is less convenient for the children’s outgrowth as they are over headed with enormous study materials by the school authorities. Therefore, they are simply stuck inside the home and unable to experience the fresh air of the outside world. However, it is very fundamental for the beginners to comprehend and get the taste of the natural environment. First of all, a child has a growing mind who seeks to learn more about the surroundings. For instance, keeping children at home all the hours will hamper their natural growth of physical appearance, as well as their minds. Sometimes, they could develop some disease conditions such as wet- D deficiency and skin cancers etc. Further, modern growth may foot the bill of child’s psychological changes. They may suffer from depression, social phobias and some other childhood disorders. Furthermore, children may develop some personality disorders also. Thus, nowadays this issue has sparked the heated debate and world is trying to find out the solutions. As regards the fact that, outside environment is truly essential for the bond between human and nature. Without realising the beauty of nature, our future generation will not able to respect them properly. Apparently, many trees are knocked down and woods are cleaned out, resulting in natural calamity and this is due to inefficient love and respect towards the environment. Moreover, social bonding is also a crucial factor, though in present time young’s are getting friends and social relationships on the web by Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc. But those are not healthy bonds for a child’s growth. To add to, playing outside with friends may give a proper joy and liveable activity. To summarise, we cannot deny the rapidity of present soul where slow lives could not last for the long run, nevertheless, children should get the opportunity to see the outside earth despite passing hours indoors that will not offer them a healthy and pleasant soul.
It is
certainly
true that the present time is less convenient for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
outgrowth as they are over headed with enormous study materials by the school authorities.
Therefore
, they are
simply
stuck inside the home and unable to experience the fresh air of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
world.
However
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fundamental for the beginners to comprehend and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the taste of the natural environment.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a child has a growing mind who seeks to learn more about the surroundings.
For instance
, keeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home all the hours will hamper their natural growth of physical appearance,
as well
as their minds.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, they could develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disease conditions such as wet- D deficiency and skin cancers etc.
Further
, modern growth may foot the bill of child’s psychological
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
. They may suffer from depression, social phobias and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other childhood disorders.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
personality disorders
also
.
Thus
, nowadays this issue has sparked the heated debate and world is trying to find out the solutions.

As regards the fact that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
environment is
truly
essential for the bond between human and nature. Without
Possible spelling mistake. 'realising' is British English.
realising
the beauty of nature, our future generation will not able to respect them
properly
.
Apparently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
trees
are knocked
down and woods
are cleaned
out, resulting in natural calamity and this is due to inefficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and respect towards the environment.
Moreover
, social bonding is
also
a crucial factor, though in present time young’s are getting friends and social relationships on the web by Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
those are not healthy bonds for a child’s growth. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
with friends may give a proper joy and liveable activity.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, we cannot deny the rapidity of present soul where slow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
could not last for the long run,
nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
earth despite passing hours indoors that will not offer them a healthy and pleasant soul.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Computers are increasingly used in education. In which areas do you think are computers more important and in which areas are teachers more important? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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