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Computer access can harm young children

Computer access can harm young children WE5g0
Computer access has increased significantly in recent decades. Besides, computer games have attracted a large number of young players. Playing computer games can provide us a sense of fulfillment and make us relaxed, but none of these beneficial benefits are permanent. Playing these games for an extended period of time can cause vision loss and brain-harming, especially young children. For instance, by virtue of addiction to video games, changes in their personalities appear. They will be influenced their subconscious minds and start to act as game characters. They can do things that angainst the morality, even commit a murder.
Computer access has increased
significantly
in recent decades.
Besides
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have attracted
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
young players.

Playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can provide us a sense of fulfillment and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us relaxed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
none of these beneficial benefits are permanent. Playing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for an extended period of time can cause vision loss and brain-harming,
especially
young children.
For instance
, by virtue of addiction to video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in their personalities appear. They will
be influenced
their subconscious minds and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to act as game characters. They can do things that
Possible spelling mistake found.
angainst
the morality, even commit a murder.

IELTS essay Computer access can harm young children

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
99 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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