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Companies should provide sports and facilities for local communities. To what extend do you agree? v.1

Companies should provide sports and facilities for local communities. v. 1
Nowadays, many business organisations are willing to putting their efforts on creating a rewarding relationship with local communities. One of the main activities for this purpose is providing sports and social services, in my opinion, this expenditure is totally effective with good impacts for both sides. First of all, any corporation established was not only an investment in business, but also a mission community, especially the surrounded area. Following this business philosophy, the owners/founders of these organizations used a part of their profit to donate many charity activities in the local neighbourhood. They believe that the more they give out, it could be considered as their grateful presents to the citizens who spend money on their products every day. Besides, the exchange sport events are always exciting and healthy. By attending in sports, people can improve both their mental and physical health, reduce significantly cancer disease factors and it also opens the door of opportunity for companies to listen to people’s thoughts without serious meetings or social conferences. Secondly, the benefits of sporting events to community are undeniable. More and more people attending in physical competitions will not only mean people’s health is improved remarkably, but also construct a healthier lifestyle in local society. In additional, sportive activities opens door of opportunity for business owners to see inhabitants in person in joyful occasions where they are able to expose each other’s thoughts. These events can probably be the places where people do charity, for instance, the winning team can donate their prizes for the public fund, or organizers use a part of their profit for the poor. In conclusion, urbanization has both advantages and disadvantages, however, all the benefits are outweighed by its drawbacks. City dwellers who interact intimately with living conditions in urban areas should be more responsible in social stability and pollution reducing.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are willing to putting their efforts on creating a rewarding relationship with local communities. One of the main activities for this purpose is providing sports and social services, in my opinion, this expenditure is
totally
effective with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
impacts for both sides.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, any corporation established was not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
an investment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a mission community,
especially
the surrounded area. Following this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
philosophy, the owners/founders of these
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organization' and 'organisation') within a single text.
organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
a part of their profit to donate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
charity activities in the local
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
. They believe that the more they give out, it could
be considered
as their grateful presents to the citizens who spend money on their products every day.
Besides
, the exchange sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are always exciting and healthy. By attending in sports,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
both their mental and physical health,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
significantly
cancer disease factors and it
also
opens the door of opportunity for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
thoughts without serious meetings or social conferences.

Secondly
, the benefits of sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
to community are undeniable. More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attending in physical competitions will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
remarkably
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
construct a healthier lifestyle in local society. In additional, sportive activities opens door of opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
owners to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
inhabitants in person in joyful occasions where they are able to expose each other’s thoughts. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
can
probably
be the places where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do charity,
for instance
, the winning team can donate their prizes for the public fund, or organizers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a part of their profit for the poor.

In conclusion
, urbanization has both advantages and disadvantages,
however
, all the benefits
are outweighed
by its drawbacks. City dwellers who interact
intimately
with living conditions in urban areas should be more responsible in social stability and pollution reducing.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Companies should provide sports and facilities for local communities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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