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children’s health in all around the world has been worsened by a globally thorny issue called fatness

children’s health in all around the world has been worsened by a globally thorny issue called fatness NVJLd
There is an inevitable fact that health care now is playing a vital role in people’s life, especially junior citizens. Having said that, children’s health in all around the world has been worsened by a globally thorny issue called fatness. The essay below will analyze a number of reasons of this phenomenon, and its consequences as well as measures to tackle this issue will be presented. It possibly said that weight gain in youngsters may be caused by some main factors. First and foremost, the quantity of foods which we consume everyday could be the underlying root. Children in this day and age have a preference to consume a large number of candies, fast food and soft drinks which contains ingredients that are rich in calorie, cholesterol and lipid than eating vegetables. Therefore, because of the insufficiency of necessary vitamin, mineral and protein, kids can easily gain weight uncontrollably. In addition, due to the remarkable development and sophistication in technology which can be the double-edge sword and cause negative effects on their health. What I mean to say that kids nowadays tend to spend their recreational time playing video games or browsing the Internet and chatting with their friends rather than doing out-door sports. Hence, spending many hours sitting in front of the screen without any physical activities is also one of the key factors. Moreover, there are a myriad of detrimental effects that stem from obesity. Particularly, convenient food contains a lot of sugar and many ingredients may be harmful and toxic which can affects the cardiovascular activity system and digestive system. Furthermore, uncontrollable fatness can result in heart diseases and diabetes which leads to children life-threatening. Having said that, there are a great deal of feasible solutions to resolve this topical concern. Firstly, the measure has to com from the government. Specifically, the authority ought to enact some regulations on producing unhealthy dishes such as reduce the number of fast food and snacks that sell to the commercial. Not only the state, but also school and parents have to take into account of this phenomenon. School should offer more extra outdoor activities for students to have opportunity to do some body movements so that they can enhance their physical condition. When it comes to parents, they have to be responsible and pay a proper attention to their offspring’s diet. Parents should encourage kids to stay away from junk food and tell them to know that how vegetables are of paramount importance to their health. In conclusion, the aforementioned facts have outlined the reasons as well as adverse affects of children fatness. Although weight gain is a thorny topic for junior citizens’ health, there are a number of viable solutions to tackle this issue.
There is an inevitable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is playing a vital role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life,
especially
junior citizens. Having said that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
in all around the world has
been worsened
by a globally thorny issue called fatness. The essay below will analyze a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of reasons of this phenomenon, and its consequences
as well
as measures to tackle this issue will
be presented
.

It
possibly
said that weight gain in youngsters may
be caused
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
main factors.
First
and foremost, the quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which we consume
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
could be the underlying root.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
in this day and age have a preference to consume a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of candies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and soft drinks which contains ingredients that are rich in calorie, cholesterol and lipid than eating vegetables.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the insufficiency of necessary vitamin, mineral and protein, kids can
easily
gain weight
uncontrollably
.
In addition
, due to the remarkable development and sophistication in technology which can be the double-edge sword and cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. What I mean to say that kids nowadays tend to spend their recreational time playing video games or browsing the Internet and chatting with their friends
rather
than doing out-door sports.
Hence
, spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours sitting in front of the screen without any physical activities is
also
one of the key factors.
Moreover
, there are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "myriads"?
myriad
of detrimental effects that stem from obesity.
Particularly
, convenient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
sugar and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ingredients may be harmful and toxic which can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "affect"
affects
the cardiovascular activity system and digestive system.
Furthermore
, uncontrollable fatness can result in heart diseases and diabetes which leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
life-threatening.

Having said that, there are a great
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "deals"?
deal
of feasible solutions to resolve this topical concern.
Firstly
, the measure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
com from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Specifically
, the authority ought to enact
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regulations on producing unhealthy dishes such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and snacks that sell to the commercial. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the state,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
school and parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take into account of this phenomenon. School should offer more extra outdoor activities for students to have opportunity to do
Did you mean "somebody"?
some body
movements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can enhance their physical condition. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to parents, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be responsible and pay a proper attention to their offspring’s diet. Parents should encourage kids to stay away from junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them to know that how vegetables are of paramount importance to their health.

In conclusion
, the aforementioned facts have outlined the reasons
as well
as adverse affects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
fatness. Although weight gain is a thorny topic for junior citizens’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of viable solutions to tackle this issue.
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IELTS essay children’s health in all around the world has been worsened by a globally thorny issue called fatness

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
455 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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