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Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinion on this?

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinion on this? kYgJK
To determine reasons of growth in violence and crime in megacities around the globe is a third millennium controversial issue. Although some scholars consider violent games, which today’s kids are involved with, responsible for wildness of the world, others hold further possible causes in charge. There are three pivotal aspects to mention. Playing games today in comparison with previous centuries does not change significantly. Basically, if how children used to play were scrutinized, it will be noticed that wildness were always part of their games, especially in boy’s pastime. For instance, playing with plastic guns and swords as well as pigeon hunting were some of children’s favorite hobbies in the last hundred years; However, in the far past kids were involved with real fights, hence violent games are not responsible for today’s crime. On the other hand, some opposers, due to recent technological innovations leading to change in games, claim that computer games with their limitless world let children experience being in battles. From psychological point of view, virtual games could affect children’s brain and this may result in actual life. Take for example, a child might choose a savage game’s character as his role model and try to act like him. Despite the fact that video games are entertaining, they are dangerous for kid’s behavior. It is crucial to mention that there are lots of social problems why world is getting more violent day by day. The growing rate of unemployment, poverty, increasing in the number of drug users, religious, to name but four is contributing to proliferate committing crime. Even though solving public concerns expose extra expenses to authorities, it is worth to live in healthy community. All in all, so far I could judge, violent games might influence children, but this is indeed wrong to assume them as prime accuser of deterioration in wildness and crime around the world.
To determine reasons of growth in violence and crime in
Possible spelling mistake found.
megacities
around the globe is a third millennium controversial issue. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
scholars consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s kids
are involved
with, responsible for wildness of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, others hold
further
possible causes in charge. There are three pivotal aspects to mention.

Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
in comparison
with previous centuries does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
significantly
.
Basically
, if how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play
were scrutinized
, it will
be noticed
that wildness were always part of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
especially
in boy’s pastime.
For instance
, playing with plastic guns and swords
as well
as pigeon hunting were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
favorite hobbies in the last hundred years;
However
, in the far past kids
were involved
with real fights,
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are not responsible for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s crime.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opposers, due to recent technological innovations leading to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, claim that computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with their limitless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
experience being in battles. From psychological point of view, virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
could affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
brain and this may result in actual life. Take
for example
, a child might choose a savage game’s character as his role model and try to act like him. Despite the fact that video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are entertaining, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for kid’s behavior.

It is crucial to mention that there are lots of social problems why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is getting more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
day by day. The growing rate of unemployment, poverty, increasing in the number of drug users, religious, to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
four is contributing to proliferate committing crime.
Even though
solving public concerns expose extra expenses to authorities, it is worth to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in healthy community.

All in all,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far I could judge,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
might influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this is
indeed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to assume them as prime accuser of deterioration in wildness and crime around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
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IELTS essay Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinion on this?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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