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Children spend more time on a computer than sports what are the reasons and is it is a positive or negative development

Children spend more time on a computer than sports what are the reasons and is it is a positive or negative development j8P7a
In the past, offsprings liked to play outdoor sports instead of indoor like cricket, football son on, however, in the contemporary era, they are following a positive trend than a before, computer games are playing the more by them. According to my perspective, this is a negative development. This discourse will not only expatiate the reasons but negative points will also be highlighted before concluding it. There are innumerable reasons, why this phenomenan is happening. The first and foremost reason is crime because, nowadays, crime is burgeoning day by day and parents are not agree with outdoor sports because they scare from crime. Owing to this, computer games are played by them for spending their free time because the technology is available for all children therefore, they play games on cell phone either with their family members or friends. Secondly, due to the busy schedule, children do not have time to go outside because they do study all day and after doing study they do not have energy for playing outdoor sports then they play video games for a few time whether it is a Candy Crush, pubg or Ludo. Despite having reasons why this phenomenon is a happening, this trend has more negative development than positive one. For example, they are facing a lot of health diseases by playing computer games. For instance, obesity problem, eyesight, owing to this, they have to face multifarious obstacles in their life like when they do study then they cannot concentrate more due to their weakness eyesight. For illustrate, the survey was conducted by Oxford University, Where most of the children played video games in spite of following outdoor sports and 80% children loss their eyesight because of playing computer games. To recapitulate, there are multifarious reasons behind this phenomenon and this phenomenon has more negative development than a positive one, which I have discussed in first and second paragraph, respectively.
In the past,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
liked to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
instead
of indoor like cricket, football son on,
however
, in the contemporary era, they are following a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend than a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
the more by them. According to my perspective, this is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
development. This discourse will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
expatiate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
points will
also
be highlighted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
concluding it. There are innumerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
, why this
Possible spelling mistake found.
phenomenan
is happening. The
first
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is crime
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, nowadays, crime is burgeoning day by day and parents are not
Consider using a past participle here: "agreed".
agree
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they scare from crime. Owing to this, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are played
by them for spending their free time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the technology is available for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
therefore
, they play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on cell phone either with their family members or friends.
Secondly
, due to the busy schedule,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not have time to go outside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do study all day and after doing study they do not have energy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
then they play video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a
Possible agreement error. The noun time seems to be countable; consider using: "few times".
few time
whether it is a Candy Crush,
Possible spelling mistake found.
pubg
or Ludo. Despite having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why this phenomenon is a happening, this trend has more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
development than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
one.
For example
, they are facing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
health diseases by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For instance
, obesity problem, eyesight, owing to this, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face multifarious obstacles in their life like when they do study then they cannot concentrate more due to their weakness eyesight.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
For
illustrate, the survey
was conducted
by Oxford University, Where most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
played video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and 80%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
loss their eyesight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. To recapitulate, there are multifarious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
behind this phenomenon and this phenomenon has more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
development than a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
one, which I have discussed in
first
and second paragraph,
respectively
.
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IELTS essay Children spend more time on a computer than sports what are the reasons and is it is a positive or negative development

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
318 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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