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Children are engaged of paid work

Children are engaged of paid work JlP8a
There is a controversy about children’s working. A group of people believe, having a paid work for children is follow by many valuable skills, while the other group think it is wrong. In my opinion, the idea of working children could not be good. However, paid work would cause children understand the value of money, they may loose the great days of childhood. After many years research, Psychologists claim that working for children will cause, children instead of playing and passing their childhood, come to the adults world, and their growth path is not done properly. While, by being precise on their playing, it would be easy find out their talent and interest. On the other hand, responsibility could be formed in a better way. All the time, Children are looking for a chance to play, as a result, not only will be engaged in a work make children boring and tired, but also it could cause they try to find a way of escape from responsibility. Whilst, responsibility could be formed in a simple ways, such as arrange the bedroom or doing their homework. Moreover, in early age, it is better children go to different classes, which could have entertainment aspect, such as sport classes or art classes. As well as, it will add to their experiences and skills. All in all, I believe working in early age, only cause the damage on their personality and their future.
There is a controversy about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
. A group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe, having a paid work for
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children
is follow by
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many
valuable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, while the other group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. In my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
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working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.

However
, paid work would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
understand the value of money, they may
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
the great days of childhood. After
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years research, Psychologists claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
instead
of playing and passing their childhood,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the adults world, and their growth path is not done
properly
. While, by being precise on their playing, it would be easy find out their talent and interest.

On the other hand
, responsibility could
be formed
in a better way. All the time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are looking for a chance to play,
as a result
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will
be engaged
in a work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
boring and tired,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it could
Did you mean "because they"?
cause they
try to find a way of escape from responsibility. Whilst, responsibility could
be formed
in a simple
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "way"?
ways
, such as arrange the bedroom or doing their homework.

Moreover
, in early age, it is better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
go to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
classes, which could have entertainment aspect, such as sport classes or art classes.
As well
as, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to their experiences and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

All in all, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in early age,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
the damage on their personality and their future.
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IELTS essay Children are engaged of paid work

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
239 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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