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Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Causes and solutions. v.2

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Causes and solutions. v. 2
Childhood obesity is getting more prevalent in many parts of the world. This problem is mainly caused by the changes that come along with modern life; and it can be reduced with the involvement of governments and parents. The most common cause of childhood obesity is the popularity of fast food. With so many parents preoccupied with work, fast food meals are a more practical choice considering how quick it is to prepare compared to a home-cooked meal. However, these ready-made foods are high in non-saturated fat and salt - the substances which create and retain fat in the body if consumed in large amounts. This kind of diet is already playing a part in increasing obesity rates among children in countries such as China and Israel. Governments can help curb the influence of fast food by placing higher taxes on these food items. When fast food is more expensive, parents will be discouraged from buying such food for their children so frequently. Another reason for childhood obesity is the modern lifestyle. Many children have little time for physical exercise due to modern technologies. In their free time, these children tend to prefer using their smartphones or tablets rather than playing sports, which gradually develops a sedentary lifestyle and higher risks of obesity. Another aspect of modern life that makes children gain weight is more focus on academic excellence. Parents often force their children to attend extra classes, thus minimizing their play time. In order to address this issue, parents need to make more time to supervise and play with their children to promote a more active lifestyle. On top of that, parents should also engage in physical activities more to set a good example for children to follow. In conclusion, childhood obesity is the result of the growth of fast food and the modern lifestyle. Actions from both governments and parents are needed to alleviate this problem.
Childhood obesity is getting more prevalent in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world. This problem is
mainly
caused by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
along with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
life; and it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
with the involvement of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and parents.

The most common cause of childhood obesity is the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. With
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
preoccupied with work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
meals are a more practical choice considering how quick it is to prepare compared to a home-cooked meal.
However
, these ready-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are high in non-saturated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and salt
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
the substances which create and retain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in the body if consumed in large amounts. This kind of diet is already playing a part in increasing obesity rates among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in countries such as China and Israel.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
curb the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
by placing higher taxes on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
items. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is more expensive,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will
be discouraged
from buying such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
frequently
.

Another reason for childhood obesity is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for physical exercise due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
technologies. In their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to prefer using their smartphones or tablets
rather
than playing sports, which
gradually
develops a sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
and higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of obesity. Another aspect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
life that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
gain weight is more focus on academic excellence.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
force their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to attend extra classes,
thus
minimizing their play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In order to address this issue,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to supervise and play with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to promote a more active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
On top of that
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
also
engage in physical activities more to set a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to follow.

In conclusion
, childhood obesity is the result of the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. Actions from both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are needed
to alleviate this problem.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Causes and solutions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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