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Celebrities are paid much more. Do you agree and disagree

Celebrities are paid much more. Do you agree and disagree peG80
More and more people consider someone who is well -known earns a great amount of money. It is said that most singers, actors are overpaid. In my perspective, I completely disagree with this point of view. In this essay, I will try to give the reasons. Firstly, every profession are paid according to their afford. The more you work, the better you get fee. Secondly, there are a great number of poor singers and actors in the history and now as well. Most of them inhabit in rent and have not their own car. Besides, for achieving such fame celebrities have to work hard. They oblige to stay up all night. Especially women singers and actress can not bring up their children themselves. They have to hire a babysitter. In addition, more and more fames do not have a private life and aware of every change of their own life. Moreover, when they go shopping, most of sellers will sell things more expensive than their real price as they have thought, well-known people are wealthy. Furthermore, a great number of singers have to hold concerts free. Eventually, a lot of famous people suffer from occupational diseases and they have to spend a great amount of money on getting rid of these illnesses. Sometimes they can not utterly release them. Most singers lose their voices completely. All in all, we can not say all celebrities earn lots of money easily by using their fame or their image. Not only celebrities, but also businessmen, programmers are paid well. To my thinking, it is up to every person's how to try to do for living.
More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider someone who is well -known earns a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
amount of money. It
is said
that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
, actors are overpaid. In my perspective, I completely disagree with this point of view. In this essay, I will try to give the reasons.
Firstly
, every profession
are paid
according to their afford. The more you work, the better you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fee.
Secondly
, there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
number of poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
and actors in the history and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
as well
. Most of them inhabit in rent and have not their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
car.
Besides
, for achieving such fame celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. They oblige to stay up all night.
Especially
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
and actress can not bring up their children themselves. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
hire a babysitter.
In addition
, more and more
Possible spelling mistake found.
fames
do not have a private life and aware of every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life.
Moreover
, when they go shopping,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the sellers") or simply say "most sellers".
most of sellers
will sell things more expensive than their real price as they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, well-known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are wealthy.
Furthermore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
hold concerts free.
Eventually
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffer from occupational
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
diseases and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
amount of money on getting rid of these illnesses.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
they can not
utterly
release them. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
lose their voices completely. All in all, we can not say all celebrities earn lots of money
easily
by using their fame or their image. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
celebrities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
businessmen, programmers
are paid
well. To my thinking, it is up to every
Consider using the plural form here: "persons".
person's
how to try to do for living.
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IELTS essay Celebrities are paid much more. Do you agree and disagree

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
272 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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