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Both the poor and rich find the accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Both the poor and rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 3
Everyone deserves the right to get admission in colleges and universities. It is argued that students belong to high society as well as lower class find problem to get entry into universities for study. I do not agree with the statement and discuss my opinion in following paragraphs. At present, the primary goal of almost every private educational institution has become to earn more and more money. Therefore, it is easier for students who belong to rich families to get entry into universities because they are able to pay as much money as the university wants. Moreover, high class families have strong connections to charities, fundraisers or university's employees. As a result, they work as reference for rich family students to enter into universities for further education. In the contrast, getting admission in reputed university or college become the situation of do or die for students who belong to poor families. To quench this thirst, they have to put their all the endeavours such as getting high scores, win prizes in study or activities in order to get scholarships at prominent educational institutes. The statistics reveal that most of the poor students have to drop out from universities when they are not able to pay fees. Due to the lack of money, they become unable to fulfil their dream of getting educated in the desired university or college. To recapitulate, educational centres should pay heed to admissions on the basis of the potential and the marks of the students instead money.
Everyone deserves the right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admission in colleges and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
belong to high society
as well
as lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
find problem to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
entry into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
for study. I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement and discuss my opinion in following paragraphs.

At present, the primary goal of almost every private educational institution has become to earn more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Therefore
, it is easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who belong to rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
entry into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are able to pay as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
wants.
Moreover
, high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have strong connections to charities, fundraisers or university's employees.
As a result
, they work as reference for rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to enter into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
for
further
education.

In the contrast, getting admission in reputed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
or college become the situation of do or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who belong to poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. To quench this thirst, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put their all the
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
such as getting high scores, win prizes in study or activities in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
scholarships at prominent educational institutes. The statistics reveal that most of the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
drop out from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
when they are not able to pay fees. Due to the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they become unable to fulfil their dream of getting educated in the desired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
or college.

To recapitulate, educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
should pay heed to admissions on the basis of the potential and the marks of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
instead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Both the poor and rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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