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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? bjX3
Nowadays, in many part of the world the population ratio of young people are immensely higher in comparison with the elder people. Indeed, the youngsters are beneficial to the society as they are more energetic then the older ones and they likely to toiled hard while performing any task. However, the experience and knowledge of the older people are the precious asset of the country and if their population plummet it will affect adversely. To begin with, the development of new diseases and catastrophic environmental situation of the earth is reducing the lifespan of humans beign in many countries which eventually increasing the population of young people. Undoubtedly, nation with large young population likely to progress more quickly because the youngesters are more enthusiastic and put all their affords and dedication while doing any work. For example, any company who have young employees are relatively achieve the growth more rapidly compare with company who are more older workers. Moreover, the young people are fond of latest technology which aid them to find the solution of any problem more faster, whereas, such advancement is not available in older people. Nevertheless, the life-time work experience of an old person are consider as highly valuble, if the population of old generation is decreased it is speculated that the their experience might not be possible to pass to next generation. For instance, Japan is the country which is popular for their perfection and reason behind is that every work is carried under the supervision on an older employee. In conclusion, although the older people are rich with knowledge and experience, they are much slower and lack of enthusiasm in work which consequently delay the developments. Therefore, having more young people are benefits to the society.
Nowadays, in
Possible agreement error. The noun part seems to be countable; consider using: "many parts".
many part
of the world the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
ratio of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
immensely
higher
in comparison
with the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Indeed
, the youngsters are beneficial to the society as they are more energetic
Did you mean "than"?
then
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ones and
they likely to toiled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
while performing any task.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and knowledge of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the precious asset of the country and if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
plummet it will affect
adversely
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the development of new diseases and catastrophic environmental situation of the earth is reducing the lifespan of humans
Possible spelling mistake found.
beign
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries which
eventually
increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Undoubtedly
, nation with large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
likely to progress more
quickly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngesters
are more enthusiastic and put all their affords and dedication while doing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For example
, any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employees are
relatively
Consider using a past participle here: "achieved".
achieve
the growth more
rapidly
compare with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
who are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
workers.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are fond of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technology which aid them to find the solution of any problem
Use only "faster" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more faster
, whereas, such advancement is not available in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Nevertheless
, the life-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
of an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
person are
Consider using a past participle here: "considered".
consider
as
highly
Possible spelling mistake found.
valuble
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
generation
is decreased
it
is speculated
that the their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
might not be possible to pass to
next
generation.
For instance
, Japan is the country which is popular for their perfection and reason behind is that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is carried
under the supervision on an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
employee.

In conclusion
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are rich with knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, they are much slower and lack of enthusiasm in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which
consequently
delay the developments.
Therefore
, having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are benefits to the society.
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IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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