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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? E3pYx
Two-thirds of the world’s older persons live in developing regions, where their numbers are growing faster than in the developed regions. It may be good for some countries who have more young adults because they will be key contributors to their country. I believe that this has more benefits than drawbacks. Firstly, Businesses will increasingly benefit from operating in some countries that have a large number of young adults because a growing young adult provides a valuable economic resource for domestic and international business such as provides a large and cheap workforce. Furthermore, the country will also benefit from a high young adult population in terms of a growing market for consumer products targeting young adults. However, largely young adults will prove an economic drag until they join the working population since they will require support from both the country and family members. On the other hand, a larger population of aging people can add experience to the workforce since they have more experience in this field. They could use their experience to help uphold morals and values in a country. Besides, the older people contribute free labor to community and government projects after retirement and it could help to grow the economy of the country. Even so, the country that has more older people should provide health care and sheltered housing leads to increased taxes on a proportionally small workforce. To conclude, older people should not be considered a burden for the country, however, the young adult has more to contribute to society and the country as a whole. It could be more beneficial for a country to have an active workforce than older people.
Two-thirds of the world’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
persons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in developing regions, where their numbers are growing faster than in the developed regions. It may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
who have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will be key contributors to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I believe that this has more benefits than drawbacks.

Firstly
, Businesses will
increasingly
benefit from operating in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that have
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult provides a valuable economic resource for domestic and international business such as provides a large and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
workforce.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will
also
benefit from a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult population in terms of a growing market for consumer products targeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
However
,
largely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
will prove an economic drag until they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the working population since they will require support from both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and family members.

On the other hand
, a larger population of aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
experience to the workforce since they have more experience in this field. They could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their experience to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
uphold morals and values in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Besides
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contribute free labor to community and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
projects after retirement and it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to grow the economy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
that has more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should provide health care and sheltered housing leads to increased taxes on a
proportionally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
workforce.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
be considered
a burden for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
however
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult has more to contribute to society and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as a whole. It could be more beneficial for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to have an active workforce than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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