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As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of the computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. Give suitable examples and experiences to support your answer.

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of the computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. Give suitable examples and experiences to support your answer. 8WjB
However the society is modernising day by day with the help of smart gadgets such as computers but depending on them has resulted in replacing the man power with the machinery. This essay will first state some of the jobs which may be affected due to the introduction of computers and will also discuss a problem caused by using it. To begin with, using one of the smart and high-tech gadget such as computer has resulted in the fact that many people are at a point of loosing their jobs. Firstly, people before the arrival of machines used to perform responsibilities or do their respective works using their intellectual skills but in the contemporary world it is just the opposite. Moreover, many ranks and jobs in certain sectors have been affected such as the Treasury man, the day computer was introduced into the banks the rank of treasury man is near to extinct because the government thinks that the machine is more efficient, could do the work error-free, saves money as well as saves time. The second and the most basic job in a costal region which is also about to extinguish is the job of Log man due to the fact that the computers help the truck drivers in counting the logs with accuracy and also supervise them in the loading as well as discharging plan. Apart from this, setting up computers in every field may lead to massive unemployment and hence lead to financial crisis. To explain it, every individual goes to work in order to support their living by earning money which help them in feeding their loved ones. Whereas, gadgets like computers affects them with a dismissal from their respective jobs because owners wants their company to boost up with a tremendous profit and to support this, they replace humans by machines like computers as they think of computers being more productive and reliable. Therefore, resulting in people being unemployed. In conclusion, it is really thoughtful to use gadgets like computers but it also has demerits which affects people's living.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the society is
Possible spelling mistake. 'modernising' is British English.
modernising
day by day with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
such as computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
depending on them has resulted in replacing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
man
power with the machinery. This essay will
first
state
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
due to the introduction of computers and will
also
discuss a problem caused by using it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, using one of the smart and high-tech
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadget
such as computer has resulted in the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are at a point of loosing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the arrival of machines
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to perform responsibilities or do their respective works using their intellectual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in the contemporary world it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the opposite.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ranks and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in certain sectors have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
such as the Treasury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
man
, the day computer
was introduced
into the banks the rank of treasury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
man
is near to extinct
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that the machine is more efficient, could do the work error-free, saves money
as well
as saves time. The second and the most basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in a
Possible spelling mistake found.
costal
region which is
also
about to extinguish is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
of Log
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
man
due to the fact that the computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the truck drivers in counting the logs with accuracy and
also
supervise them in the loading
as well
as discharging plan.

Apart from this, setting up computers in every field may lead to massive unemployment and
hence
lead to financial crisis. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
it, every individual goes to work in order to support their living by earning money which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in feeding their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones. Whereas,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
like computers affects them with a dismissal from their respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
owners wants their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to boost up with a tremendous profit and to support this, they replace humans by machines like computers as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of computers being more productive and reliable.
Therefore
, resulting in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
being unemployed
.

In conclusion
, it is
really
thoughtful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
like computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
has demerits which affects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's living.
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IELTS essay As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of the computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. Give suitable examples and experiences to support your answer.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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