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as more and more people move to cities and as cities expand in size, City life loses its appeal To what extent do you agree or disagree with this

as more and more people move to cities and as cities expand in size, City life loses its appeal with this pNxm
It is irrefutable that cities are expanding rapidly due to the large number of people that are moving towards these areas. Owing to this migration, I completely agree with the statement that city life is gradually losing its appeal. Each city has a threshold of natural resources that it can provide for its inhabitants. Unfortunately, as most metropolitan cities have crossed that capacity, it is becoming quite challenging to provide basic amenities, such as water, land and fresh air, to all the people. Therefore quality of life in such areas is degrading at a very fast pace. For instance, as almost 10000 people migrate to Mumbai, every month, many slum areas have come into existence to provide shelter to a myriads of people, and as a result, around 750 thousand people live in a very small area and this place has also been the epicentre of many deadly diseases. Hence, the whole city is getting affected by it. With the rise in the number of people in the cities, number of vehicles on the road has also dramatically increased, and consequently, air and noise pollution, traffic congestion and roadway safety have also been compromised as the number of road accidents have also increased. For example, Mumbai local trains are always teeming with people, and everyone gets squashed because each person wants to board a train. Subsequently, local transportation system, within the cities has also degraded. If cities would have a limited number of immigrants, there would have been less pressure on these systems. In conclusion, I firmly opine that as number of people are increasing in a city, the quality of a city life is degrading because basic amenities and local transportation system is being compromised.
It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are expanding
rapidly
due to the large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that are moving towards these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. Owing to this migration, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that city life is
gradually
losing its appeal.

Each city has a threshold of natural resources that it can provide for its inhabitants. Unfortunately, as most metropolitan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have crossed that capacity, it is becoming quite challenging
Did you mean "providing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to provide
basic amenities, such as water, land and fresh air, to all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
quality of life in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is degrading at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace.
For instance
, as almost 10000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
migrate to Mumbai, every month,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
slum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into existence to provide shelter to
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a myriad" or simply "myriads"?
a myriads
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
as a result
, around 750 thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
and this place has
also
been the
Possible spelling mistake. 'epicentre' is British English.
epicentre
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deadly diseases.
Hence
, the whole city is getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by it.

With the rise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of vehicles on the road has
also
dramatically
increased, and
consequently
, air and noise pollution, traffic congestion and roadway safety have
also
been compromised
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of road accidents have
also
increased.
For example
, Mumbai local trains are always teeming with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
squashed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
each person wants to board a train.
Subsequently
, local transportation system, within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
has
also
degraded. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
Consider removing 'would'. (Usually, 'would' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless to make a request or give a polite order.)
would have
a limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of immigrants, there would have been less pressure on these systems.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
opine that as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are increasing in a city, the quality of a city life is degrading
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
basic amenities and local transportation system is
being compromised
.

IELTS essay as more and more people move to cities and as cities expand in size, City life loses its appeal with this

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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