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any young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country.Why is this?

any young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? LbDjn
Due to developing the world, many fields are developing gradually. That is why, nowadays many younger people know that international pop and movie stars of the world which they do not know ancient people of their country than them. The reason is that children of the world are not interested in history. Many countries should produce a plenty of historical movies that was modern variation of them. Firstly, modern technologies are developing in the world year by year. Also, many young people admire that technologies which is produced recently by Hollywood. These films and music have many famous people. Even the youngest people adore them who is very popular people in the films and pop fields. However they do not know much Information about history people of their country. The researchs say that children and adult always are interested in new things. For this reason many films stars and music stars are prestigous among young people. For example, all children know Shakh Ruh Khan who is starof Hollywood. But, they do not know Aristotle. On the other hand, one of many governments is that how to increase young people's interest in history people of their country. in my opinion, authorities should produce modern movie about historical person. Also, many famous stars should play to these movie. In addition, many quiz show should broadcast about ancient people by governments and winners should take many huge gifts by authority. what is more. every school have a subject which is about historical well-known people. In conclusion, nowadays, many children are interested in film and music stars. But, they do not know much information about historical people of their country. This evident is very badly for governments. Furthermore, people do not have their feature without history.
Due to developing the
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world
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields are developing
gradually
.
That is
why, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
younger
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
that international pop and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
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stars
of the
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world
which they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
ancient
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people
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
than them. The reason is that
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children
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
are not interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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countries
should produce a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
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historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
that was modern variation of them.

Firstly
, modern technologies are developing in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
year by year.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
admire that technologies which
is produced
recently by Hollywood. These films and music have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Even the youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
adore them who is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the films and pop fields.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
much Information about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. The
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "researches", the plural form of the noun 'research'?
researchs
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and adult always
are interested
in new things.
For this reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
films
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
and music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
prestigous
among young
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people
.
For example
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
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know
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shakh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ruh
Khan who is
Possible spelling mistake found.
starof
Hollywood.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
Aristotle.

On the other hand
, one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
is that how to increase young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
my opinion, authorities should produce modern
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movie
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
person.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
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stars
should play to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
quiz
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
should broadcast about ancient
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people
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and winners should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
huge gifts by authority.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
what
is more.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
every
school have a subject which is about
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historical
well-known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are interested
in film and music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
much information about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This evident is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
badly
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have their feature without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
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IELTS essay any young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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