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An increasing number of the children are overweight could result many problems when they grow older both in term of their health and health care costs. why do you think so many children are overweight? what could be done to solve this problem? v.2

An increasing number of the children are overweight could result many problems when they grow older both in term of their health and health care costs. why do you think so many children are overweight? what could be done to solve this problem? v. 2
obesity is an immense issue right now. Even, plethora amount of developing countries which are facing that kind of problems. Moreover, the ratio is continuously increasing just because of improper diet, junk food, lack of exercise and many more. I will discuss both points problem and solution with the help of relevant example. At began with, there are three major problems why obesity has been increasing for last few years? Firstly, majority of juveniles are love to eat junk food in the form of burgers, pizza and hard drink. They are directly effect on body and result is that when they grow older there body has indulged in various diseases such as diabetes, heart issues and many more. Secondly, nowadays, children likes to play indoor games rather than outdoor game. It is one of the major cause of increase overweight. Thirdly, many developing countries have very limited resources of health center in the form of play ground, stadium where youngster are playing outdoor game and do perform different kind of activities such as hockey, cricket, badminton etc. Few health center are available but unfortunately, they are charge expensive fees that' s why majority students are spend there time at home after school and college. I think these are major disadvantages. On the other hand, few remedies are resolve that kind of pathetic issues. firstly, parents start to take step and groom itself how they bestow best diet to their child. For instances, Children Fitness is one of the most proverbial website on google which provide free of cost instruction regarding children evolution and it has gotten 100% results. Even, majority of children are getting fit just because of proper diet and exercise. Furthermore, government should provide facilities to youngster and try to conduct many health issues seminars where parents are enhance there knowledge and aid to protect there children in better way. School has instead responsible to increase various activities with the help of instructors. To put in it nutshell, I pen down saying that obesity can generate many health issues. We can remove it with the help of useful actions.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
obesity
is an immense
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Even, plethora amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
which are facing that kind of problems.
Moreover
, the ratio is
continuously
increasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of improper diet, junk food, lack of exercise and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. I will discuss both points problem and solution with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of relevant example.

At began with, there are three major problems why obesity has been increasing for last few years?
Firstly
,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
juveniles are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to eat junk food in the form of burgers, pizza and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
drink. They are
directly
effect on body and result is that when they grow older there body has indulged in various diseases such as diabetes, heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

Secondly
, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
likes to play indoor games
rather
than outdoor game. It is one of the major cause of increase overweight.
Thirdly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited resources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
center in the form of play ground, stadium where youngster are playing outdoor game and do perform
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of activities such as hockey, cricket, badminton etc. Few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
center are available
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unfortunately, they are charge expensive fees
Possible spelling mistake found.
that&
#039; s why majority students are
Consider using a past participle here: "spent".
spend
there time at home after school and college. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
these are major disadvantages.

On the other hand
, few remedies are resolve that kind of pathetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
firstly
, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to take step and groom itself how they bestow best diet to their child. For instances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
Fitness is one of the most proverbial website on google which provide free of cost instruction regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
evolution and it has gotten 100% results. Even,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are getting fit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of proper diet and exercise.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide facilities to youngster and try to conduct
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
seminars where parents are
Consider using a past participle here: "enhanced".
enhance
there knowledge and aid to protect there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in better way. School has
instead
responsible to increase various activities with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of instructors.

To put in it nutshell, I pen down saying that obesity can generate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
. We can remove it with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of useful actions.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay An increasing number of the children are overweight could result many problems when they grow older both in term of their health and health care costs. why do you think so many children are overweight? what could be done to solve this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
351 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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