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An increasing number of people work from home these days and stay in touch with their office using computer technology. v.2

An increasing number of people work from home these days and stay in touch with their office using computer technology. v. 2
Nowadays, thanks to development in the cyber-space, some people are able to do their job from home. This method can be useful in some aspects. I think they can save not only their money but they can raise their safety and improve their family relationships too. Obviously, this types of careers are far economical than working in the office. Paying for public transportation tickets or private vehicle gas, people have to spend several hundreds of dollars each month to commute between their home and workplace; however, those working from home do not spend this money and can save it. For example, my brother, who works for a mobile company in Australia, has to pay almost $300 per month to travel from his apartment to his workplace located in downtown, while he would not pay it when his employer permitted him to work from home, and he would save over $3500 annually. Another reason is that this method is far safer than the working in the office. Had not many electronic engineers had to travel between their home and the company they are working, they would not have been injured or even died because of road accidents. Many of them have to use their private car to reach their destination, and unfortunately, because of sudden car accidents, their lives have been jeopardised. Lastly, this method can improve family relationships. Clearly, this group of employees usually stay longer hours a day in their house and are definitely a longer time in contact with their spouse or children than the ones working in the outside home. In this way, a friend of mine who his office is a room inside of his house can have closer communication with his children because he can monitor his children's activities, including their study or playing, and he is more familiar with his wife's personality than a similar personnel who have to work more than eight hours a day in his workplace. In conclusion, those working from home can gain more advantages than the ones working from the office. I believe that the former usually spend less money for their transportation, are harmed less by car accidents and have more mutual relations with their family members. It is a perfect plan if governments popularise this type of jobs fundamentally.
Nowadays, thanks to development in the cyber-space,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are able to do their job from home. This method can be useful in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they can save not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can raise their safety and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their family relationships too.

Obviously
, this types of careers are far
Use "(economical)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
economical
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
. Paying for public transportation tickets or private vehicle gas,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend several hundreds of dollars each month to commute between their home and workplace;
however
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
from home do not spend this money and can save it.
For example
, my brother, who works for a mobile
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in Australia,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay almost $300 per month to travel from his apartment to his workplace located in downtown, while he would not pay it when his employer permitted him to work from home, and he would save over $3500
annually
.

Another reason is that this method is far safer than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
. Had not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
electronic engineers had to travel between their home and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, they would not have
been injured
or even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of road accidents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their private car to reach their destination, and unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of sudden car accidents, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
have been
Possible spelling mistake. 'jeopardised' is British English.
jeopardised
.

Lastly
, this method can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
family relationships.
Clearly
, this group of employees
usually
stay longer hours a day in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and are definitely a longer time in contact with their spouse or children than the ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the outside home. In this way, a friend of mine who his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
is a room
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "inside".
inside of
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
can have closer communication with his children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he can monitor his children's activities, including their study or playing, and he is more familiar with his wife's personality than a similar personnel who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work more than eight hours a day in his workplace.

In conclusion
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
from home can gain more advantages than the ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
. I believe that the former
usually
spend less money for their transportation,
are harmed
less by car accidents and have more mutual relations with their family members. It is a perfect plan if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
Possible spelling mistake. 'popularise' is British English.
popularise
this type of jobs
fundamentally
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay An increasing number of people work from home these days and stay in touch with their office using computer technology. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
382 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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