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an experience from hard situation

an experience from hard situation GJ00j
More than 2-years ago after finishing my university I decided to do my military service which is nightmare for boys in Iran. I was a little scared at first because I didn't know what may happen during military service so I started getting information from people and internet some of them was useful and some of them wasn't. Here is two experiences I got from my military service performing. first one is when I got there I saw people who didn't bring necessary things like towels, toothpaste with themselves so they had to wait in long lines to buy that stuff which was very boring. The other thing that mattered was choosing suitable clothes. When we arrived there they gave us us military uniforms and asked us to wear them and change them if it wasn't suitable. Some people because looking stylish, choose tight clothes which got them into trouble later. The second one which is very important in my idea is preparing yourself mentally before doing anything. I saw there people who got homesick and cried behind the phone booths. These people gradually became more depressed and and and anorexic and one of them I knew escaped from military service. The other point that showed itself more was technology addicts. This type of people who are addicted to the smartphones and social media seemed to have lost something and they couldn't focus on their jobs, in more critical cases it caused depression. However, believing that life has tops and downs and knowing that everything is going to pass will motivate you in hard times like military service performing. All you have to do is prepare yourself both mentally and physically before going to military service and leave the rest to God.
More than 2-years ago after finishing my university I decided to do my military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
which is nightmare for boys in Iran. I was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
scared at
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I didn't know what may happen during military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
getting information from
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people
and internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them was useful and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them wasn't.
Did you mean "Here are two experiences"?
Here is two experiences
I
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got
from my military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
performing.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
first
one is when I
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got
there I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who didn't bring necessary things like towels, toothpaste with themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they had to wait in long lines to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that stuff which was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
boring. The other thing that mattered was choosing suitable clothes. When we arrived there they gave
Possible typo: you repeated a word
us us
military uniforms and asked us to wear them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
them if it wasn't suitable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
looking stylish, choose tight clothes which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
them into trouble later.

The second one which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is preparing yourself mentally
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before
doing anything. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
homesick and cried behind the phone booths. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gradually
became more depressed
Possible typo: you repeated a word
and and
and anorexic and one of them I knew escaped from military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
. The other point that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
itself more was technology addicts. This type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are addicted
to the smartphones and social media seemed to have lost
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
something and
they couldn't focus on their jobs, in more critical cases it caused depression.

However
, believing that life has tops and downs and knowing that everything is going to pass will motivate you in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
times like military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
performing. All you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do is prepare yourself both mentally and
physically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the rest to God.
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IELTS essay an experience from hard situation

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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