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Alcohol and cigarette be illegal?

Alcohol and cigarette be illegal? RjrW
Nowadays people are worried about side effect of alcohol and cigarette. Some people believe that it should be illegal others argue that it should be legal. In my opinion it should be legal because it reduces black market and mafia and also people should have the right to choose consume these substances or not. It is known that alcohol and cigarette creates health complications such as heart attack, cancer and lung disease. Because there are toxic substances that harm the body. The increase of disease lead to an increase in the expenditure of health services by government. Therefore, money has to spend on education and well being will be used for treatment of disease. Moreover, it has an addictive effect which causes people quit their jobs and personal life. It also increases break up in families. As a result the performance of society decreases. Cigarette and alcohol are consumed in many countries. Some people used to smoke in break time and use alcohol in their gathering with friend and families. Banning these substances causes people to follow them in black market and this leads to the growth of the mafia and criminal gangs in society. On the other hand, people should have freedom to decide whether they should use these substances or not. People’s awareness must be raised by government through billboards, social media specially in schools because teenagers are more prone to excessive consumption of alcohol and cigarette. Overall, although it is argued that cigarette and alcohol should be banned due to lack of safety for health and concerns about government expenditure, I believe the consumption of these should not be restricted because people should have freedom to decide whether to consume or not. Governments should increase awareness by advertising the side effects of using them.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are worried
about side effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and cigarette.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it should be illegal others argue that it should be legal. In my opinion it should be legal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
black market and mafia and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the right to choose
This verb is used with the infinitive: "to consume"
consume
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
or not.

It
is known
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and cigarette creates health complications such as heart attack, cancer and lung disease.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
there are toxic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
that harm the body. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
of disease lead to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the expenditure of health services by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
Therefore
, money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
spend on education and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for treatment of disease.
Moreover
, it has an addictive effect which causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
quit their jobs and personal life. It
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
break up in families.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result the performance of society decreases.

Cigarette and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
are consumed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to smoke in break time and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
in their gathering with friend and families. Banning these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow them in black market and this leads to the growth of the mafia and criminal gangs in society.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have freedom to decide whether they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
or not.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
awareness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be raised
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
through billboards, social media
specially
in schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are more prone to excessive consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and cigarette.

Overall
, although it
is argued
that cigarette and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
should
be banned
due to lack of safety for health and concerns about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
expenditure, I believe the consumption of these should not
be restricted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have freedom to decide whether to consume or not.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
awareness by advertising the side effects of using them.
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IELTS essay Alcohol and cigarette be illegal?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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